Sunday, January 31, 2010

August 29th 1993

Last weekend went to the Dead show at Shoreline. Stayed at the Rancho Tropicana, I love this place you can sit by the pool all day with all the other dead heads and sip your cocktail of choice. We meet all kinds of cool people just hanging out there.
Stopped at Safeway before the show and the place is over run with smelly hippies.
The cookie aisle was clogged up with giggling confused tripping people trying to decide what cookies to buy. One group was totally losing their shit laughing so hard.
Karl dove in the pool all screwy and his shoulder came out of its socket. I had to pull it back in...
Came out of the show and there was a parking lot party with a flat bed truck blaring disco music plus nitrous. Huge dance party... quite possibly the best parking lot party I have ever been to.
We had trouble getting back to the hotel, couldnt find it even though we have been there millions of times. OVERSERVED.
July 22nd 1993

Karls mom is sick. They think ovarian cancer. She has to have chemo and radiation.
July 18th 1993

Last Friday after work the carpool stopped at the Final Final on the way home because there was some traffic issue on the GG Bridge. So we sat there for awhile, me JB, Cottrell, Manavi. Neagle was aleady there. Shocker! Needless to say this combo of people spelled danger. Next thing Smittys, after that Silver Peso.
I had to walk from the Peso to Lucky drive to get my car.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

June 15th 1993

We have new neighbors! They are replacing the Meth Chick, the place has been vacant forever. Zack and Hanna, we had them down for dinner last Friday night, it was a perfect Lagunitas Summer night. I have fixed up the little yard so there is a patio and a table, hammock, and I planted gladiolas on the terrace.
They are deadheads too. We are planning on going to some Summer shows.
Nice to have normal people up there!
June 10th 1993

I have been getting up at 4 a.m so I can run before work. Its really dark and kind of creepy, this morning I was on my way back and some hairbag that looked like he lives in the woods and eats chipmunks screams at me "good morning"! Scared the shit out of me.
Its just too hot out in the afternoon to run.
May 5th 1993

Have not written in a long time. Karl is moving in! I am happy but wonder if its really a good idea. I was just starting to feel ok on my own. We have been hanging out every day anyway. I either go to the City and stay there which is good because I can walk down the hill to work and sleep until 5:30.
More money to spend because now I will have help with rent. I do get sick of everyone having to mention the age difference, last Friday we were at Gatsbys (Cappy buying pizza) and Karl met me there and Cottrell screams out to everyone, "jesus christ RUSTY, what is he??? 12???
E Mail From Kent Miller
Friday November 15 2002

If crying has anything to do with me, think about something for a minute. If anything goes wrong, it will be exactly like going to sleep, won't it?
What difference except that no wake up to any problem ever again?
Disappointment, pain is strictly for everyone else. I always liked to sleep.
I had a fun life. I forsee differences in life I enjoyed vs. older middle age.
This is no problem for me really. Life is becoming routine, and ending no longer surprise, all is known.

Happy New Year!

Spent New Years Eve at the Grateful Dead show with Brian, Meredith, Super Dave, and Super Daves friend.
Got to the hotel and checked in and then drank some beers and burned one and started jumping up and down on the beds while listening to "Me and My Uncle"...
Headed over to the show and found our seats up in the nosebleed section, I swear it was so far up when you danced it felt like you were going to fall straight down hill.
So I look over at one point and Meredith has done just that, face planted on the seat in front of her, she is bleeding all over the place because she landed right on her nose on the seat back in front of her.
The paramedics came up and took her to the medical tent on a stretcher!
Brian went down with her but we all stayed for the show and then went down after.
Don't try this at home!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Seven Signs Your Marriage Is Troubled

1. You can not stand his voice
2. You can not stand to hear him breathe
3. If you hear one more story for the 100th time you will lose it
4. You find his food choices annoying
5. You find yourself growing a ball sack
6. Mid life crisis
7. He thinks you suck too!

They found Lindas car, on some East Bay off ramp all stinky and stripped.
I guess car theives target the carpool lots because they know all of us assholes have to work while they steal shit.
I think she is going to move out from her house for awhile. Shit.
Maybe not but I see the signs.

We got off the bus yesterday and Lindas car was not at Seminary!
Looked all over. Not there .. really
Its a 5.0 Mustang
Called cops, it was stolen!
Holy shit, I hope they take my beater Z car next!

The number 30 GGT Bus Sansome st 1:45 pm

Usual suspects today:
John Lawson
Jeff Hauke
George Webber
Diane Fiddyment
Various Equity People
Me and Linda.
Linda says her and Stan are having problems.
She is contemplating her own place for awhile.
Tried to talk her down, its not fun out here alone.


Most Boring:
Gabe, Kristy, Linda

Most Fun:
JB,Cottrell, Manavi

Most Reliable:
Foltz, Odie, Ricky

Biggest Carpool Whores:
Don Kaiser
Sometimes Gabe if Kristy needs the car after work.

Got a ride home with Kent Miller today. He was absolutely glaring at me and then brought up the "who got fixed issue". Like its my fault he was the one?
When we got married we had this discussion, we went to clinics about it, I wanted it to be me. I know who I am and I know for extreme sureness that I will never breed.
I could not imagine giving up my soul for another human being for 18 or more years.
At first he agreed so we did what all doctors told us to do, the man gets fixed because its easier to reverse.
Now he is pissed at me.
The new girlfriend is "Devi" she is 20 something.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Its over!
Slept the rest of the day and then felt fine.
Went to the mall with my mommy to do some medicinal shopping on Saturday.
Note to self:
No more
Car Wrecks
Hungover work mornings
Getting knocked up
Toxic friends
October 26th 1992

The Big Abortion

The worst part of this whole thing is tonight! This afternoon they put a sea weed dialator in. Its supposed to be the natural way to get there, slowly, painfully, but they don't tell you that part.
Then tomorrow morning I go in for the main event.
I do know that I never wanted kids, this is not the hard part. The hardest part is I have to wonder why my life is so out of control.
I hate me


Self Loating 101 chapter 3

How the hell could I be this stupid? Yes I am living on my own, going through a divorce, dating a dude that is 12 years younger than me and now I am pregnant!
I thought I was smarter than this? I am terrified.
Told my Mom, and Karl is taking me next Friday to get it "taken care of".
Told work I need a day off for female problems. Ha dudes never ask about that.
I need to grow up. Most women my age have families and day to day responsibility.
Me.. Nah.. just keep fucking up.
Guest Book:


David Felling Comment: Thursday night get together, party by the creek!


Super Dave Comment: Thursday night dinner club, mood is awesome.


Ray Gentile: Comment: Told ya I would come!


Doris: Comment: Soon to be a likkered idiot with wet nuts.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Guest Book Started In 1988
A Gift From The Parents (its still going to this day)


Mark Patterson Houston Texas Comment: Durn Near Civilization!

John Brown Eden Roc Saus.

Jamie Cottrell San Rafael

Doris ? Comment: Give me a beer

Brian and Meredith Comment: CHIRP

Big Daddy Comment: Father of all beings

5/21/1992 Comment: Party On
Super Dave
September 10th 1992

Hot as shit today.
The beauty of living out here in "Laggertnitas" is that I can come home go for a run in Samuel P Taylor park and my run ends at Inkwells where I can jump into ice cold creek water!
Only problem today was some dude was watching me... ick
Kent Miller has a new girlfriend.
I think she is 12
Ha I should talk.
September 7th 1992

I have decided to ask to go back to the Options Floor as a clerk.

Here is my pitch:

I have broker experience
You can move me from pit to pit to put out the fires.
I can still do equity clearing.
I can still do billing.
I don't get bored and you get more for your money.
How bout that?
I show up at Lucky drive to get picked up by the carpool, the straight boring carpool, Gabe, Kristy, Linda.
I am:
On Crutches
On Pain Medication
Face and forehead still have glass inbedded.
I have decided to tell everyone I was in a wreck, thats all.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

August 29th 1992

Went up to Bucks Lake last weekend with Kerry, Steve, Marc, Ado, everyone was up there.
We got up there around 5 or 6 and everyone was at Lakeshore, started off ok with a few beers and then it got crazy, Marc had cabin one and we were all going back and forth over there, then the band played and we were all drinking Tree Smackers. At closing time I decided to ride back over to Mill Creek where everyone was camping with Andy Ball and Karl, Andy was driving. I had no idea how drunk the guy was. I was sitting on Karls lap in the passenger side thank god because Andy never even negotiated the first turn and next thing I knew we are flipping over and over and over, it was so quiet and all I remember is wondering when it would stop.
When it did stop, we all made it out of the car and just started walking, I did not know it at the time but I had glass all in my face and forehead and Im sure we were all in shock but we walked all night. By the time the sun came up Andy and Karl couldnt go anymore and they passed out at Sundew right on the beach, and I kept going until I got to Ado's tent. I must have looked fucked up because when I poked my face in he just started running to find Karl and Andy.
E Mail From Kent Miller
October 22nd 2002

I have to tell you the truth, now that I think of it. I couldn't stand most of the friends you had who weren't part of the Exchange. I mean none of them were good company for you.
Hmmmm maybe that is why I left?
August 4th 1992

It was getting to the point where people that I did not like or really want around me where hanging out at my house. Staying up all night while I am trying to sleep and maybe keep my fucking job!
Time to fix this. I am messed up enough right now wondering how come Kent Miller got the ball rolling so fast with a divorce. I kind of thought when I moved out that it would be for a little while to see what is going on with me. Seems like he wants out too?
July 14th 1992

Back from the road trip, it was fun.
We camped by the river and swam and met some people that had a volley ball net.
Played all day Sunday and did not leave up there until 7pm. Which meant getting back to San Rafael around 11pm and sleeping at "Timmys" until 3:30 then drive out to Lagunitas to get clothes and shower and go to work. Felt like shit all day Monday.
I think I want to be with Karl... he is 12 years younger, what am I thinking?
July 7th 1992

Road Trip!

Super Dave is housesitting at "Timmys" Timmy is a golden retriever.
We are all heading up to the Eel River tomorrow with the dog in Brians VW bus.
I have never met a more organized camper than Brian. You want a breakfast sando in the morning when ya wake up... done, ya want to play volley ball, done, ya want to q up some steaks for dinner, done. Want to do some shrooms...
Off to bed, have to get up early.
June 12th 1992

We have a thing called the Thursday night dinner club, it is me, Brian, Meredith, Super Dave, Kerry, Burleffee, Karl Baby, Garrett, and who ever else wants to join.
Last Thursday we all went out to China Camp and bbq'd. The problem is that it gets out of control and I am the only one that has to get up at 4 am for work. OUCH
I am still in Gabes carpool, Linda sleeps on the way in and Gabe and Kristy listen to BBC radio, and I sit in back reeking of "fun".
June 10th 1992

I called my landlord and then I called the Sheriff, when the Sheriff went up there they found the little kid in her crib covered in filth.
I do not even know the name of the girl that lives up there and I for one have no room to complain about a partier, but if you have a kid that young you shouldnt be bringing that into the house.
I think they took the kid away.
June 5th 1992

I See Meth People.

Lagunitas is a small town with one deli and redwoods every where. Salmon actually spawn in the Lagunitas creek. In 20 minutes I can be out at Point Reyes hiking.
Why then do "meth people" seek out this environment?
The girl above me has a 2 year old daughter, she seems to be a single mother.
Her place is full of people and they are up all night. When I get up at 4 am to go to work they are still going.

Monday, January 25, 2010

E Mail From Kent Miller
December 23rd 2003

I don't know if my depression is a natural part of growing older and physically winding down, or a function of leaving the floor and the only work I had ever done successfully, or stress over financial worries, or stress about the cancer, or who the fuck knows what else.
I don't know what other people experience as they approach 50 and change their lifestyles and lose touch with the friends of their youth. I don't even know if all the fun you and I had working for so many years in such a unique environment makes adustment to middle age better or worse?
I guess time will tell.
I know you too.
May 26th 1992

I moved today.
Kellie Hart slept over.
Kent Miller stayed in bed while I moved all my stuff out.
We were done by noon.
May 16th 1992

Kent Miller knows something is not right, today on the way home he asked if I wanted to go on a walk after work. He had tears in his eyes.
I feel like its too late.
I hate me.
May 15th 1992

I looked a place in Lagunitas today and before I knew what I was doing I signed a lease and wrote a check to hold it. I was shaking so hard.
I went to Auntie Bonnies house on the way home and told her I was leaving Kent Miller.
What am I doing? I am scared and excited to be on my own.
The place is really cool, its got a wood stove and a little yard and I can have Rat Dude the cat.
I feel like a big mid life crisis cliche.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

April 1992

I think I suck at this Equity clearing job. Not to mention I am having a few "personal" issues like DIVORCE.
Gabe had to have a little chat with me after work today about my job performance.
I guess I have had too many settlements hit the past week.
Not to mention I am in their carpool and I probably smell a little "boozy".
I feel like a turd!
E Mail From Kent Miller
Tuesday October 22, 2002

Our marriage was no ones fault. We were not growing up together, which is the only reason we did not go forward. We were doing the same stupid shit the last 90 days we were together as we were doing the first 90 days. Look at what you have put together for yourself, by yourself since you were on your own.
I thank god every day that I do not have children. I still can not believe that my parents did not sell me when I was a teenager I was such fuckup.
Having kids is a job and responsibility you have to really really want if you are going to do it right and I think your folks are an example of two people who got into it without thinking things through. Like I know what I am talking about.
We weren't going anywhere and when we cut the cord we both started moving forward.
What does that tell you? If we had stayed together, you would not have house in Napa and your husband would be dying.

Something is not right with my life.
I feel like I am not where I belong.
Like I am invisible to Kent Miller.
I have a big crush on Super Dave.
This is wrong.

Going out to Point Reyes today to Limantour for a beach party with Brian, Meredith, Kellie and John, Kerry and Steve and Super Dave. Its off and on raining but we are going anyway.
Last Saturday night went to George Webbers bachelor party, it was disgusting, Jamie had to come get me at JBs and drive me home... SUNDAY afternoon.
Saturday February 1st 1992

Everyone over here for a welcome home Steve Hubbard party. It was a surprise and a ton of fun. Of course I stayed up too late with Marc and Ado. We ended up next door????? At 5:00 a.m
Had a heated discussion with one of the bimbos about the downside of being a fashion model.
E Mail From Kent Miller
Tuesday December 23 2003

Good question about what happened to all the fun... Sometimes I wonder if this is just a natural part of growing older and leaving behind the notion that we have plenty of time to worry about preparing for growing old.
I know that I have been extremely unhappy ever since I left the floor to face an uncertain and unsettling future. The pain I was experiencing in my back only made a bad situation worse. I have to admit that I was at a point that I was thinking it would be fine not to wake up many months before the cancer diagnosis.

Friday, January 22, 2010

January 12 1992

Friday after work went to Feng Nian with carpool plus Casey Sayre. Then to Smittys where Cherys met us then up to the "monster mansion" Johnny Moses' house. Called Kenny then back up here but everyone gone by 2.
Kerry called to see if I could come over while "Burlefffeee" got his stuff out. She was worried he might make a scene.
So I walked over, helped clear my head.
Kent Miller and I went out for a shitty pizza.
Saturday December 28th 1991

Had the whole family here for Xmas, cooked lasagna, chicken casserole, stayed up too late with Marc and Emra.
Stayed up until 1:00 a.m Xmas eve, then up at 7:00 Xmas day to go to Napa.
Merry Xmas felt like crap.
December 5th 1991

I have 5 days off. Kims last day is Tuesday so I have to take my days before. No problemo.
Last night met Kent Miller and Casey and Dugdale at the brewpub.
Then Gonzales Hacienda for dinner.
Got a new brass bed last Saturday, hard to get out of in the mornings.
Sunday November 3rd 1991

The phone rang at about 6:30 a.m it was Cottrell saying he would drive if we wanted to go to the memorial in GG park.
Well at first I thought no way since I was up till about 3 am. But then decided to go. Glad I did.
We were all in the back of Jamies truck and as we went over the Waldo Grade and into the tunnel it was clear that most people on the road were heading to GG Park. It was eerie, everyone nodding to each other in their cars, like a procession of sorts.
300,000 people there.
Crosby Stills Nash and Young back together, Journey, Grateful Dead, Joan Baez, Santana and many more.
Miracle I wasn't hungover Monday.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Friday night November 8th 1991

Bill Graham died in a helicopter crash 2 Friday nights ago.
I heard the sirens that night, it happened in a PGE power pole on a rainy night.
Right across the hiway from our house.

Went to see the Dead last Wednesday with Brian, Ate mushrooms, when am I going to grow up?
Friday night
October ? 1991

FAC at Kaisers pool.. wore my new Laura Ashley dress.
Drank red wine which I can not do.
Smoked something funny which I can not do.
Thought I was just walking along but walked right into the pool, no clue.
Kent Miller whisked me home,,, laughing all the way.

Dugdale caught
1 Fox
1 Skunk

We harvested our last plant yesterday
Sunday September 22nd 1991

Kent Miller goes to Texas on Tuesday for a week. I fucked up the T Bird this morning.
I was going to the store and backed out of the garage and ran the drivers side into the Z. I have not told Kent Miller yet, why ruin a good Sunday?
Note to Readers:

At this point in the diary I am losing my marriage, I to this day do not know why this happened. It was fueled by my decisions.
I am not sure if it was a midlife crisis or some divine intervention of things to come.
I believe I was not a strong enough person to endure what Kent Miller had in store for him.
Or I was just an asshole.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

September 12th 1991

Back in the swing of things, last weekend had JB, Dugdales Cottrell over, got trashed and spent rest of weekend recovering
Tex in town on Monday so met him Johnny Moses, Rick, JJ at the brew pub then everyone here for Monday night football- felt like shit again on Tuesday.
Tomorrow FAC at Kaisers pool.
August 29th 1991

Back from Bucks Lake but I am very depressed. I had too good of a time.
Got up to the lake with Arch around noon, found everyone at the Lodge, Ray, Peggy, Kerry, Kellie Eastman, John Hart his friend Brian and Marc, all having tree smackers.
Went out on boat, bbq'd on the beach then had a big mushroom fueled dance party on the beach.
Back to lodge to listen to the band (Marc sang 3 songs with them) then back to the cabin until 6am.
Sunday round 2 bloodies in the lodge by noon, out on the boat etc..
Monday drove home 5 hours
Self Loathing 101 chapter 2

Tuesday Aug 20th 1991

Worst chore in the world for a white skinned freckle fuck red haired fat bitch and that is to go shopping for a swim suit. Went to every store figuring a speedo was my best bet, they cover more, but too tight.
What I wish I could wear to swim:
running shorts no top
Friday August 16th 1991

Oh boy oh boy- I am off for two weeks and a week from today we go to Bucks Lake!

Nursery- 3 small pots for herbs
Potting soil
Do laundry
Clean house
Bike ride
Saturday August 10 1991

Sitting on the back deck with a cup of coffee.
Going out to Indian Valley at 10:00 to see about a horse to sponsor.
He is a 12 year old appaloosa and I would have access to all the open spaces trails!
Gabe is having a bbq today at 4:00.
Equity people
The Equity Floor:

There is something about being an Option person vs. and Equity person.
Ever since I started going back and forth between the two floors I feel like they all look down on Option people. Like I am some kind of animal.
You can not wear jeans on the Equity floor, but sometimes that is all I have.
I think Dave Chong hates me.
Will told me he did the other day.
Thursday July 11th 1991

Things that happened:

Kellie Eastman asked me to be in her wedding! Looked at bridal gowns last night with her mom, gramma and Kerry.
I am shopping too much.
FAC at Kaisers tomorrow.
Total eclipse today, the city was a big party.
Went to Liz and Larrys for bbq last Saturday, Liz not herself?
Friday June 7th 1991

SHIT FUCK- Yesterday we went to Marlenes funeral. Goddamnit! The breast cancer finally got her. It was horrible and sad. Cappy delivered a beautiful eulogy. He seemed tired, drained and hurt, but there were so many of his and her friends there and that has to have some degree of comfort.
Got a ride there with Kim and then home with Kaiser- home by 4 and vegetated, kind of in shock, I cant believe it came to this?
May 24th 1991

I am in a fight with my mom. A big bad one. I am sick of always being there for her and its like I am the parent. I give her money all the time, take her where ever she wants to go, do all the cooking and grocery buying and plant buying etc...
Which is fine, its that I never get a thank you.
Or a gesture of gratitude.
We haven't spoken in two weeks.
Happy Birthday
May 23rd 1991

I am 35 years old. We spent my birthday up at Lake Almanor at Kaisers cabin. We got up there Sunday afternoon but it was rainy and cloudy. Same with Monday so we sat in front of the fire and did nothing. Tuesday warm weather. Tried to fish, nothing biting.
Cooked hotdogs over a campfire and that did bite.
Left early to come home.
Monday May 13th 1991

Howard fell down on the steps to the Exchange today. He was coming back from Grazzianos (lunch and scotch) like he does everyday and fell up the stairs.
Paramedics came.
The guy must be 90 years old, he comes to work everyday in a full blown suit and tie, sleeps with his head on his desk and goes up the hill to the bar for lunch every day.
He was actually working there in 1929 when the original crash occured.
His wife calls every Friday to remind him to pick up shrimp after work on the way home.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Saturday March 15 or 16?
7:00 A.M

We saw the place yesterday and its spotless! We move on the 23rd, next weekend.
Arch, JB, Cottrell coming for dinner tonight:
Dinner menu-
Friday March 8 1991

We found a place but it is a bit weird. The place is gorgeous and huge and light and airy, 3 levels!
Here is the thing: Junkies lived there, I can't believe this. I guess I pictured Mission Street hotels for that sport, but I guess suburbia is just as good.
The landlord is going to clean it and change the locks. If it looks ok we are taking it.
Kent Miller cut his eyeball yesterday when he took a tennis serve in the eye.
We are both home today. I have to drive him to the Dco since he can't see.
Saturday March 2nd 1991

Have to move by April 1st, looked at a place in Pacheco Valley, it was nice but its a lower, no thanks.
I wish we could rent a house not a damn condo surrounded by assholes.
Kent Miller rolled in from FAC around 1 a.m
Not Me..
I feel great!
Thursday February 28th 1991

No FAC for me this week, I have to work on Saturday so have to be good Friday night.
Kaiser was sick ysterday throwing up on the way to work then all day at work.
Poor Guy
February 12 1991

Thursday is Valentines day so I am making bags of treats for the carpool. Hersheys kisses and black bottom cupcakes. Everyone gets their own dinosaur bag with some kisses and 2 cupcakes ... could ya just puke or what???
Friday Afternoon Club (FAC) is getting out of control. Last Friday we went BERSERK
Tex's party one week from this Friday.
January 27th Super Bowl Sunday 1991

Last Saturday night did not get home until 3 am. then up at 10:00 to make food for the niner party, everybody ended up over here. Drank all day then went to the Mayflower after the game, just cuz we weren't boozy enough. Felt like crap on Monday.
Kathy and I went horseback riding after work on Friday while the guys played golf.
Then to the Hilltop for beers and finally met up with them at the brew pub at 8:30.
On to Savannah Grill then up to Young Mans house till 2 am.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sunday January 6th 1991

Friday the Birthday Club met. Went to the Cypress Club for lunch then the usual spots:
Grasslands (dive) Lipo (weird ass buddah bar) then to Persia AB ZAM ZAM.. where if you walk in and order a beer or anything but a gin martini Bruno will beat your ass.
I think JJ did a full dismount from a flatbed trailer at the corner of Bush and Battery.
Tuesday December 18th 1990

Monday night football party at Eisners last night. Kathy cooked the best mexican!
3 Kinds of enchiladas, chimichungas, tacos etc.. It was soooo good.
Have day off today.
Doing laundry
Cleaning house
Listening to Harry Connick
Burning Potpourri
It is starting to storm!
December 7th 1990
Pearl Bailey Day.. (that calendar again)

Friday: Put up Xmas Tree

Monday: Football at JB and Danas

Tuesday: Grateful Dead show (hallucinogenics)

Wednesday: Crash and Burn

Thurs: Work sucked

Friday: FAC (friday afternoon club) at 2 am club.

Tomorrow: Brogans Party in Daly City
Sunday November 11 1990

I got a mountain bike!
Kent Miller decided that since I have been walking so much I deserved a better way to get exercise.
I am riding to Stafford Lake today.
Friday night went to Kaisers for Dons birthday. Yesterday to Casey Sayres for a party then had dinner with the Benders and Alo's at a new Italian place in Larkspur.
Sometimes I am too "huggy"
Monday October 8th 1990

Tomorrow is Korean Alphabet Day number 8.
At one time we had the screwiest calendar and noted that our wedding anniversary fell on "Korean Alphabet Day" so there ya have it.
We went to the city on the 5:40 ferry. Went to Tadich for dinner then the Tonga room.
The Top of the Mark.
Dara is here, we are all going riding up at Wild Horse Valley in Napa.
Then dinner at Mama Ninas.
Tuesday August 21
5:30 A.M

Last night we had Dugdale and Cottrell over for Monday night football. I made tacos and they stayed for dinner. Drank a case of beer. Ya good idea on a Monday night.
I feel like shit.
Kent Miller wants to run after work.. right now I am not thinking that is possible.
Off to work.
Sunday August 15th 1990

Went to a vulgar water slide yesterday with JB and Dana. The place was really gross.
Dana and I did not want to stand in lines for hours so we sat on a fake beach and drank beer.
Note to mothers with poopy babies.. keep em out of the water.. gross
Returned to Sausalito looking for "Kenny"
Did not find "Kenny" thank god.
Had dinner at Feng Nian and went to bed.
Thursday August 15th 1990

Played tennis two hours yesterday afternoon, then another hour in the evening after dinner.
Sold the rest of the gold on Wednesday at 400. We agreed that if it traded at 400 time to sell. Dump it.
Im wearing jeans to work tomorrow, nothing else to wear.. big no no on the equity "old man" floor.
E Mail From Kent Miller
Monday June 23rd 2003

Sounds as if your dream weekends are a little slower paced than they use to be.
Right about Joe Kaisers marriage making one feel old. Remember when he was excited about Sea Monkeys? I am glad that Kaiser still has business and can afford wedding.
My memory of little Pags is he was maybe a little immature, reading comic books when his buddies are probably reading Hustler. Tell Pags I think he should get the kid a copy.
Hope Novato Winefest is fun but remember hangovers are a bitch even if Cottrell and JB are suffering too. They are younger and can shake it off easier.
Sunday May 20th 1990

Last night we met Liz and Larry, Ron Eisner and Arch at the Marin Brew Pub. Liz and Larry got me a duck shaped chopping board for the kitchen. How sweet.
We had dinner and played darts but it broke up pretty early.
Arch is running Bay to Breakers, Larry was leaving for Mexico early and Eisner was all hung over from the night before.
Saturday April 28th 1990

A's game last Saturday with a pregame tailgate party with JB, Dana, Dugdales, and Manavi and Jamie...
It got ugly.
Monday went to work and a huge anti "Corporate America" demonstration for earth day was in full swing at the entrance to the floor. I couldn't get into the building, had to grab on to a cop while he pushed through. I wanted to scream at all those hairbags, hey I just work here I am on your side!

I am fat

I have a major acne problem at age 35

I have coldsores

Today in the Schering Plough pit Tex screamed across the whole pit, "hey nice cold sores, who's dirty dick have ya been suckin"?

I was mortified and turned bright red... assswipe
Friday February 9 1990

Went up to Novato (ICK) to sign the new lease yesterday.
We are moving on the 24th.
I am learning the POETS system at work, its like an order book system that screens orders. So now I am a wire operator again. I am regressing: Floor Broker, to broker assistant, to office worker, to wire operator. I guess runner is next.
January 1990

Cant' pay rent or bills. Depression has set in. No more Mrs Cheerful. Have spent the afternoon looking through classifieds for rentals. Oh God what are we going to end up in? I can just imagine what kind of shithole you can rent for 7 or 8 hundred a month. I refuse to live in Novato.
I will not give up my cat no matter what he is all I have left. Kent Miller is depressed, can't sleep etc.
Molly Adams went to live in Cleveland, she's just like me, bailed early!
Saturday January 27th 1990

They sold Apollo! Now life really does suck. He went to a little girl who had been wanting him for awhile. If we still had any money I would have bought him.
I met Gay at noon and we drove up to the ranch together, she has an arabian mare that is just gorgeous and she knows of someone that needs a sponsor for their horse.
He is a bigger horse though, his name is Roanie.
I get to test drive him today!
Wednesday January 24th 1990

Well this is it. The party is over. Kent Miller finally blew out, we have just enough to pay the taxes but nothing to live on. I have to go back to work full time starting at the end of the month. We agreed not to sell the gold and silver, its all we have left. We are going to give this place two months to see if we can swing it but if we can't we will have to move. Today twenty minutes into trading the market was down 57 points.
End of the world.
Don't feel like riding today.
Monday December 18th 1989

I was coming home from work and decided to park below the condo and I heard Rat Dude meowing!!!!
He heard the brakes on the car and started meowing, so I go tearing up the hill to the foundation vent and there he is! The poor guy has been trapped under the building for a week with no food or water. FUCK
I ripped the screen off the vent and he came out and I just held him and got him up to the house and gave him water and food... he is ok.
He must have gone under the house when they were re doing the bathroom.
Monday December 11th 1989

Kent Miller went riding with me yesterday and this time he got a horse with some juice. His name was Cisco. He use to be a race track pony, the kind that walks the racehorse out to the track before the race.
Rat Dude didnt come home last night so I went looking for him when it got light out but could not find him anywhere!
Where is he??? Im very concerned he always comes back.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

E Mail from Kent Miller
Sunday December 22nd 2002

It's Sunday I think. I have been asleep for 3 days. I don't remember ever managing to sleep this long before in my life. I feel fine if I can manage to stay awake more than a few hours at time. Feel pretty normal though, no pains, no nausea. Nothing.
June 8th 1989

Kent Miller Goes to Jail..

I am asleep and its 2 am the phone rings and by now I have trained all my friends not call me when they are that drunk on chop.
Its Kent Miller and he is talking in his best Kellie Adams voice.
He was with Schill and Hi Lo and Al Cooper and they had been at a bar and then going back to Schills, well I guess he made an illegal U turn to keep up with following them. Only problem is that it was ILLEGAL. And he was likered among other things... in his possesion.. fuck
He is in jail in Martinez.. nothing I can do cuz they wont let him out till 6 am.
Monday October 9th 1989

Went to Hi Los good bye party at Schills house, big McMansion in Blackhawk.
The only good thing about Blackhawk is that Howie Cousins has a house there too and I find it entertaining to know that he is part of that community.
I wonder what they think when they see his sloppy cave man self shooting hoops in the driveway?
Thursday October 5th 1989

Tuesday morning I was bringing in horses from the pasture, I had just put Arizonas halter on when Commanche started to follow us up to the gate. So I figured I would let him go through with us but when I opened the gate he bolted and I ended up knocked off my feet, flew about 6 feet and landed on my back and head. I got up and tried to walk to the barn but I was about to pass out. So I had to rest 3 times before I got up there. Finally I got all the horses tied up and I sat down and bawled like a baby. It hurt so bad. Well I got through hoof cleaning. Saddling and a 2 hour beach ride that I dont remember. My employer told me not to tell the hospital I got hurt at work. Concussion, sprained back , good drugs, bad employer.
Thursday September 7 1989
6:20 A.M

Today is a ranch day. We are going to halter all the colts today so when the vet comes tomorrow he can get to them. Two of them are being castrated. I did not know this but for the sheep, they rubber band their balls and they just fall off.
After that I cleaned the tack room and all around the barn, then learned about vet charts and worming. The colts are so cute...
Tuesday September 2nd 1989

Started my trail guide job last Tuesday. I know all the trails now but still can't saddle a horse very fast. I need to do 6 to 10 in an hour. It is so fun up there and I meet all kinds of people.
Thursday I had 3 rides back to back so rode for 6 hours.
One group was a bunch of Japanese tourists, not one of them spoke a word of English.
When we got to the beach and I led them into a baby trot they all started giggling.
Guess they were having fun?
I went back to work at the real job and told Tom Heebner what I am doing and for the first time since I have known the guy he looked at me like I was not a dirtbag.

BB Gun Skeet shoot
Required weapons: BB gun pistol and rifle
Balloons, Flour, canister of helium.
Recipe: Load Balloons with flour, not too much or your target wont float.
Fill with helium. Launch off deck.
Play music loud.
One guy launches balloon, other guy shoots, cold nights work best
Sunday November 26th 1989

Kate and Bill are engaged!
They came down with Arch and we all went to dinner at feng nian then to Smittys and the 2 am club, then back here where we met up with JB, Jamie, Brewer and Manavi.
The cops came because we were shooting balloons with the bb gun.
E Mail from Kent Miller
Thursday April 3rd 2003

What were you thinking e mailing that kind of shit to anyone especially the head office?
Truly, I hope that they have no ideas of reprimanding you beyond the spanking they have already given you. You are right to think that people are now more than ever sensitive to points of view that do not agree with their own- especially very radical opinions. Even I would feel uneasy with statements like Bush should be assasinated and I already know what a pinhead you are.
I know you but shut up your mouth.
E Mail From Kent Miller
Wednesday April 23rd 2003

No I never got bored with the food downtown because I was content to eat the same thing every single day. Dillers chili with fruit salad. I always figured it was as healthy as anything else I could find, but now I guess that I might have wrong about that. The next time you go over there to Dillers , you tell Abe or Jimmy that I figure their chili causes cancer.
Please send more floor gossip.
Saturday September 29th 1990

Yesterday went to the one year John McKechney suicide lunch at Little Joes, I was the only one there with a vagina
After lunch Tex, Eisner, Jorge and Kathy went to Bix for drinks then everyone split up, me and Tex to find Kenny - ha - no answer thank god.
Up at 7:30 cooked Kent Miller blueberry muffins then went to Trader Joes.
Monday October 23rd 1989

Well today the check from Texas came from Kent Miller grandparents. We had to borrow 5 grand..
So its windy as fuck and Kent Miller is sleeping because that is all he wants to do lately after work. I go to get the mail and open the box with the key and I am jacked to open the envelope and make sure the check is really here, well the wind sucks the check out of the envelope and I see it go flying OVER THE ROOF of the condo.
Are ya fucking kidding me? After all the bullshit we have been through? There is no way we could call the the Grandparents and tell em ya send another one of those.
There is no way I can go back inside and tell Kent Miller what just happened.
But I do.. and I have to wake him up from his nap and he is livid!
We go look for it but its not anywhere down the hill.
The next day I started thinking about it and thought the only place it could be would be in the iceplant down below the condo, so I go down there and start looking and I see something and its THERE!!!!!!
Saturday October 14 1989

Yesterday Friday the 13th and what a Friday the 13th!
The Market crashed- down almost 200 points. Hilton went down 21 points and all of our money is gone. We have to get a loan from Kent Millers grandparents just to stay afloat. Kent Miller is devastated. Won't eat or sleep.
Last night we went out to eat chinese then to Smittys to drink pitcher after pitcher of beer. Drowning our sorrows?
We met Tex there and smoked something funny which kicked my butt.
Arch is coming today.
Tuesday November 7 1989

I am going up to the ranch today to ride my new horse!
His name is Apollo and he is a 12 year old palamino quarter horse.
Yesterday after work I went and got a hoof pick and some grain and treats so he is easier to catch. He is a really good horse and will step out and go!
I need to explore more trails.
Saturday was fun, I rode Apollo then went to Bevs then down to Webbers houseboat to hang with George and Ted. Then we went to the brew pub then back to the houseboat.
Kent Miller came down too. We ate marijuana brownies so I was a huge mess but thats the way I am!
Tuesday October 24th 1989

Went to work yesterday and when I got off the elevator I thought to myself "no way is this safe". All the front windows to the Mills Building were blown out, cracks and plaster everywhere. You actually had to step down into the ladies room on the 10th floor and there was a little place on the trading floor where the floor had buckled!
On the way home we drove through the Marina and saw houses caved in, toppled over, bulldozed with couches and belongings still in the rubble. One whole block was gone due to the fire and all the sidewalks were cracked and warped and buckled. People were still trying to get stuff out.
To top it all off we are in "blow out" stage again. Hilton was down 6 points today.
When will this shit stop?
Poor Kent Miller
He needs a vacation bad!
Thursday October 19th 1989

It has not been a good week! Tuesday night at 5:04pm a huge earthquake hit. I was in the kitchen when the whole place started shaking so Kent Miller ran up to the kitchen and we got in the door way, not sure why but thats what my Dad always said to do, so the whole place is shaking and wobbling.
After it was over we called Kents folks in Texas and they were the ones that told us the Bay Bridge had collapsed, they were getting pictures of this from the Goodyear Blimp, here for the world series.
We just had no idea how bad it was until later. Over 200 people killed in a freeway collapse in Oakland. The Marina is totalled, over 60 buildings collapsed.
The Options Floor can't open so they chartered planes to fly all the market makers out to New York last night. I dropped Kent Miller off at Oakland airport, it was creepy driving home, all these big cracks and holes in the freeway.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Monday July 30th 1990

Hiking was great. Started in Mill Valley climbed all the way to the top, it took us two hours to get up and one to get down, then to Bevs for beers and dinner.
Home by 8:00 pm and in bed by 9.
I was beat because I got up at 5:00 A.M WHEN KENT MILLER GOT HOME
Saturday March 17 1990

Kent Miller is a dick. I am going to Napa today and of course he will not go with me.
This is his life:

1. Sleep

2. Eat

3. Read

4. Jog
Any activity outside of these is not accepted.
His favorite thing to do is nothing. Fucking basketball is on TV maybe I am in hell?
Did I die last night and end up here?
I hate everything life sucks
Friday September 15 1989

Came home from the ranch to find that John McKechney had shot himself yesterday.
Billy found the body.
Monday August 14 1990

Just got back from Bodega Bay.
It was the best vacation ever. I rode horses 3 hours a day every day, I think I became the stable joke- The Broad they couldn't get rid of. Anyway yesterday my last day there, they were all joking about how I should be hired on, but it was no joke! I am going to be a trail guide!
Its a dream come true. I can't believe I am going to be paid to ride horses!
Thursday March 1st 1990

I have a huge zit on my chin.
Kent Miller is almost blown out.
We live in Novato
I got invited on a Point Reyes ride but can't go, no horse.
No one will loan Kent Miller any money to keep his business going.
I woke up at 2:45
My hair looks like shit
I look like shit
We live in Novato
Hey god you bastard.. wanna play hardball?
Tuesday Feb 20 1990

Got so intoxicated Saturday night we ended up at the Mayflower. So of course I had to sing a few songs up on stage. Im never going to live this down. Sunday night went to the brew pub for dinner with Liz and Larry and Eisner. I insisted on being brought home early so didnt feel too bad yesterday. Cleaned the oven and Jen Air, was that ever gross!
Sunday night Webber took me and Chris Brewer on a cocktail cruise in the skiff.
Packing to move Wednesday and Thursday then do last minute stuff on Friday.
E Mail from Kent Miller
May 22nd 2003

Happy Birthday you old fuck! Does everything still work the way its supposed to? What will you do to celebrate? Mahiup and wine, maybe shuffleboard at Smittys? Perhaps you should drift over to the Mayflower Inn and take the microphone again. I am sure Mike would love to sit in the audience and sing along.
Things are cool here tell Pagnini I have been paper trading options in 10 stocks starting last Friday, buying offers and selling bids just the way they have to do it in the real world.
Don't have other news, hope all is well there.
Don't embarrass yourself tonight, you don't have the youthful spirits to blame it on anymore. Now people will just shake their heads and look away. Naw probably not. I imagine all your friends know all too well what to expect.
Good Luck to all of us
Friday September 7th 1990

I have Jury Duty today so I will go and tell them that I am a Satanic Nazi who thinks drugs should be legal and drunk driving is fun!
Went to Texs after work yesterday then the Cantina and then the brew pub. Don't feel too bad today but we were home by 9:00.
Monday September 3rd 1990

Last night was fun?
Got to Kaisers at 4:00 had a great time but didn't eat and neither did Kent Miler. Maybe that is why he got so incredibly drunk and spent all night barfing. I had to sleep on the couch which is impossible, so tried to go back to the bed but there was puke all in it.
Slept on the floor in the bedroom, needless to say it was not a great night.
Cooked Kent Miller a big breakfast.
On the way out the door Ray Seale ambushed us- Its like the guy waits for our door to open then finds us. Feeling cornered.
Saturday March 31st 1990

Went to the D'Orso's new house for a party last night- every one there had a damn baby.
The house is really nice and it was fun.
Home by midnight to gorge on food? Jesus have our lifestyles changed. Used to be Mahiup.
Tonight we are having the "youngsters" over for a BBQ. JB, Dana, and Jim and Karen.
Cooking a london broil on the Q with scalloped potatoes and salad.
Don't know whats going on with my mommy.
I can't tell if she is on a bender or really sick?
Email From Kent Miller
Tuesday July 15, 2003

I am very sorry to hear that one of your friends would end up killed that way, even if I never did care for the guy.
I remember Oldham being a terrrible loudmouth. I remember him being over the top when it came to conducting himself with any kind of restraint.
I remember him barging into our bedroom without knocking one morning at about 4:30 for no good reason except that he felt like it.
I am sorry your friend is dead. I am sorry for his friends and family.
I know you
Hang in there
Sunday July 2nd 1989

Weight 125

Yesterday went to Auntie Bonnies and helped paint the bedroom then decided to paint the living room. It looked great!
Kate and Billy came down and we met them at Smittys, Billy couldnt drink because he had to fly early this morning but Kate and Kent Miller and I finished off a few pitchers.
Today we went to Carole and Joes wedding in Burlingame at the Kohl Mansion. It was beautiful.
We only stayed for 2 drinks then went to Firehouse BBQ in Larkspur for dinner. It was horrible.
Back to the diet tomorrow
Jaeger Is A Bad Thing:

July ? 1990

Last night started at the Hilltop in Novato, had a nice dinner with JB, Jamie, me and Kent Miller.
Dinner was nice then we all went to the bar after for some more drinks, well JB and Jamie and some various Dugdales started doing shots so then we all decided to go back to the house for nerf pong and bb skeet shooting.
So we load the T Bird and Kent Miller is driving I am in the front, when I notice all hell breaking loose in the back seat.
It seems that a fight has broken out and now one of them has their hands around Kent Millers neck as he is driving totally fucked up and trying to maintain.
Finally we regain control and get back to the house where we lay JB out and he hurls all night long.
Jaeger= Fighting and Puking if not all of the above!
December 22 2003

Email from Kent Miller

My Dad told me about your Mom... I am very sorry for all her suffering. I hope that you realize that she is beyond cancers reach now.
I am afraid too, that I am still not adjusted to my own situation. This is why I don't write. I just don't have anything to say that doesnt depress me, so its easier not to say anything.
I am afraid that I may have had it just too good for too long to accept being physically disabled with a fucked up spine, but I may adjust.
Sometimes I wonder if trading didn't fuck up all my friends to some degree, just by providing years worth of an experience that none of us seem to have been able to match so far.
I imagine that my pessimism is overblown by my own personal circumstances. And that is why it might be a while before you hear from me again... I dont want to bring you down with my bad attitude. I am sorry for your loss Kellie. I hope you are ok. Just remember that everyones time comes sooner or later and your mom made most of her choices of her own free will. It is unreasonable to think that you can protect people from themselves. You stood by your mom the whole time I knew her and many were the times that I thought you deserved more consideration from her. Im sure you did all you could, and I'm equally sure that you will probably start telling yourself that there was more you could have done to protect her from herself. You were a better daughter to her than she was a mother to you when we were together I assure you.
Take care of yourself and good luck to both of us!
This was the last e mail I received from Kent Miller
He passed away 7 months later

Friday, January 15, 2010

Saturday July 1st 1989

Weight 130

Could someone tell me how you can gain 5 lbs in one fucking day but it takes a week to lose it?
Worked yesterday until two then met Kent Miller up at Duffys, had one beer then home to change and up to San Rafael, he went to the driving range, I went to Bevs and had some beers.
We were supposed to go to the Giants game but too tired so went to Feng Nian for dinner, then home to watch Gorillas in the Mist>
I was in bed by 10.
Then I have to wake up to this 130 lb nightmare of a body. How can this be?
I eat normal food for one day and I gain 5 lbs?
Im doomed to fish and veggies for ever.
Im going running now
Ran 5 miles
Friday June 30 1989

Weight 125

Woke up at 4:15 but got up anyway. Today is a work day (billing). Whats with the rain?
Kent Miller and I went to buy him some new clothes yesterday at the Gap in San Rafael then Emporium. He got a bunch of stuff.
I found some navy poplin pants for 9.99 at the Gap size 7/8. How about that?
We stopped at the pet store and went into the sitting room with a miniature schnauzer, it was a little girl and she was very happy be out of her cage. Jesus it was cute.
Thursday June 29th 1989

Weight 126

Up at 6:30 but still tired, it seems like I had to get up every hour to pee. Yesterday I found the perfect baby present for Mrs Moyle, I think, the only problem is its a little big but I couldnt find any newborn stuff. Its not like they dont grow into it.
After that I did grocery shopping, then home to do laundry and clean house. Then "mrs iron willpower" made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and touch one of them!
I need to weigh 125 tomorrow. We are going to the Giants game tomorrow with Billy Sinquefield and Sharon. I hope the weather improves by then. Yesterday it rained.
Dinner last night:
1/4 Petrale
1 cup Cauliflower
1/2 cup Cottage Cheese
1/2 Cantaloupe
1 Banana
Wednesday June 28 1989:

I don't know about this 3 day lose 10 lbs diet. If it works I guess I can expect to lose 6 lbs tonight!
I sure got a deal on Caroles wedding present yesterday. After I went running I went up to San Rafael to Macys where they have this computer thing that prints out what they need but I couldn't decide what to get them because they would have to order it so the only thing left was towels. So I picked four bath towels, they were 15.00 bucks a piece but the sales person only charged me 20 bucks total for all four!
Smart shopper. I just hope they dont figure it out and bill my card later.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tuesday June 27th 1989:

Weight 129

Up at 6:00, no work today, Linda offered to trade me my Mexico (Wayne) overtime for a day off so of course I jumped at the chance and I dont have to go in until Friday.
We are taking the the T-Bird up to San Rafeal for a tune up this morning and hopefully get it back by this evening. So we will drive up to San Rafael then I have to take Kent Miller to work in the City then go for a run then go back up to Macys in San Rafael to get Carole (Little) and Joe (Tuminello) a wedding present. Then back to the City to pick Kent Miller up by 1:00 pm.
Cat is going berserk again.
Diet dinner tonight:
2 Hot dogs
1 Cup Broccoli
1/2 Cup Carrots
1/2 Banana
1/2 Cup Vanilla Ice Cream
Monday June 26 1989:

Weight 132

My work schedule this week is Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Yesterday was gross, something in me snapped and I ate and drank like a pig which is why I weigh 132. So I am doing this 3 day lose 10 lbs diet.
I drank practically every day last week, Jesus, no wonder.
Yesterday stayed home, did laundry then went grocery shopping. Then Kent Miller wanted to go to the driving range so I went to Bevs to drink beer. Then we came home to bbq.
Went to bed at 6: 30 and never woke up until 4:30 for work.
Sunday June 25 1989:

Weight 127

Did not wake up until 8:30 but for the amount of partying we did I felt great. No hangover.
The picnic was good and alot of people were there. After that we went to the Irving Club for a couple of beers with Billy. Sharon drank too much champagne so he had taken her home and came back to meet us.
After that Kent Miller and I went to 7 Seas in Sausalito where I decided to have a full blown dinner for once, fuck the diet. God it was good, fried prawns french fries and cream of mushroom soup. We didnt bbq last night (too likkered) So we will have bbq sausages with green chile corn bread tomorrow.
How could drink beer all day yesterday and have a big dinner and not weigh 180 pounds?
Friday June 23rd 1989:

Weight 128 FUCK

Got up at 4:30 went to work.
Kent Miller stayed in bed.
I was so caught up at work we left at noon.
Supposed to go to Bevs to drink beer but I fucked up all week and I have to make an effort or I will start gaining it all back. So I am staying home and being good, spinach salad for dinner and water to drink not beer!
Tomorrow we are going to Jrs wedding/picnic in Golden Gate Park.
We got her and Italian Cookie Jar for a wedding present.
Wednesday June 21 1989:

Got up at 4:30. Went to work and was not asked to work on the floor- Thank God.
I got alot done in the office.
Came home and took a nap, got up at 4 to shower and get ready for the Oakland A's game.
We got there right on time and loaded up on sausages, beer and pretzels.
It was about 95 degrees.

Thursday June 22nd 1989:

Got up at 6:00, weighed too much so immediately drove to Tiburon bike path to run 5 miles, its really 4 1/2 but 5 sounds better.
After running went and gassed and washed the Z car, so I could drive up to Napa. Then to the Mill Valley Market for hot smoked chorizo, then Nordstrom for a T shirt. Then Napa to have lunch with the father. We went to the Napa Airport then back to the house to swim. It was over 100 up there so we had to have a few cold ones. Shit I drank every day this week.
Great for the diet.
The Father told me what a slut my mom use to be.