10/15/2003

My mom is in this place in Sonoma now. I thought this was going to be good because I don't have to drive so far but when I go visit she pleads with me to get her out of there.
Yesterday I walked in and they had her all dressed in some freakin costume bed jacket weird ass shit. Very disturbing, do they do this for fun?
I want her out of there. Then I notice this cut on her upper lip and she told me they cut her shaving her??????
She was released from the Smith Ranch facility "AMA" against medical advice, she wanted to go home so we got her home and I made sure there was a ton of food and everything she would need for the weekend. She said she just wanted to be alone in her house with her cats.
So all weekend I am calling..... no answer... every day calling no answer, same with Auntie Bonnie, so finally Auntie Bonnie goes over Monday and finds her laying on the living room floor, fell out of the wheel chair.
FUCK
Paramedics come and take her back to Kaiser but then that ran out and now she is in this creepy freak show old folks piss smellin place in Sonoma.
I meet with some social worker. I ask what is wrong with my mother?
What are we dealing with?
I get no answers.
What I want to know is what is going on here? What am I dealing with?
Is this the end?

10/2/2003

My mom is fucked up. The past few times I have called to say I am coming over to visit she has said no. Now that I think about it I have not been over there since she called and told me about Marc.
That was July.
I thought maybe she was on a bender? Well shit call it old ghosts I don't know.
Bonnie and I went over there and I could not believe my eyes when we walked in the door.
The house was like nothing I had ever seen before, cat food and maggots, empty food containers all over the place, and when I looked in the fridge it looked like she was living on popsicles and weird shit.
This is not my mom. She always had pride in her home. Always clean.
What is happening here?
It took us a whole day to clean it up. The poor cats.
We were told she has had a stroke and did not want anyone to know. Did she give up?
Keep living in the house but gave up.
I am so helpless right now.
What is wrong? She is being bounced back and forth between Kaiser and some old fucks home.

September 20 2003

We are getting a puppy!
Next Friday Mike is picking me up from work and we have to drive down to Gilroy to get him.
Today I am all alone wooooohoooo Mike went sailing with Val, I did not want to go its too hot.
I seem to be bugging him lately so some apart time is good.
Damn good!
wooohoooo

August 20th 2003

Sitting in front of the Slanted Door on the Embarcadero waiting for everyone to get here. Its Steve Foltz's goodbye party.
74 degrees out, the bay is blue with lots of boats.
I am very tired, no sleep last night. I keep having nightmares about Marc and wake up terrified, I have been e mailing Kent Miller about this.
Maybe some shaking beef and some spring rolls.
Here comes Tex.. walking down the street.. hard to miss that profile...
Beer sounds good now.

Monday August 18th 2003

Kate and Bloobas here all week!
One week until Bucks Lake.
I feel like I don't look too good lately.
Kind of run down.
Feeling a little conquered by the world.

July 26th 2003

Last weekend was the funeral, rosary Friday night, funeral Saturday.
I got a room at the Fairfax Inn so I did not have to drive back and forth.
Super Dave and I shared. Friday night Naves was all US.. must have been 200 people in there, laughing, crying.
John Hart had to be carried back to the hotel.
I don't think any of us really get it yet.
How could this happen?
Aug 29,30 going to Bucks to scatter ashes.
And kick some ASSSSS

July 15th

Saturday was my moms birthday, Saturday was also the day that Marc ran into the devil.
Marc was murdered at Bucks Lake, the place he loved more than anywhere in the world, he felt safe and happy there.
How could this happen?
They found him laying in the road with a head injury, inflicted by 3 dudes, locals, hillbilly meth mother fuckers, that he had befriended that weekend, bought them drinks, partied with...
Is this a bad dream?

July 11th 2003

How am I supposed to go back to work Monday?
Can I please have a job in the town I live in?

A bus came by and I got on .. help me .. help me...

July 7th 2003

Had a nice conversation last night with Mike Robb all about him.. shocker.
Oh my god, I still have a whole week off!
Wednesday:
I took out the old back rose bush which was on a stump?
Went to Home Depot and was shopping for a planter to replace it and I hear this "pssst.. hey Kellie" .. I knew who it was immediately, I know that psst anywhere.
Danny O'connor?
Turns out he is taking some classes at the college. Kids grown, Janet and him divorced, re hab.. etc...
Tomorrow off to Kellie Harts for some pool time.
Walked every day this week at 6:00 am .

July 3rd 2003

Left at 7:00 am and made it to Newport by 1:00 pm. Went to the old Josh Slocums which is now owned by Dennis Rodman? What a heatbag, the guy has this table in the back where chicks dance for him. He kind of has that town by the balls I think.
I had to e mail Kent Miller about this since that is where we shoved off on Vedura with Schill and Larry McNamara and Liz in 1980 whatever for one of the best weekends of my life.

4th of July:
Sat by our pool all day in the hotel
Fireworks at Mollys friends house
Saturday:
Cruised around Balboa, lunch at Joes Crab Shack
Sunday drove home.
Fun

Monday June 30th

Saturday attended a Webber event at Sebastiani, Matt Adams, Jb, Dana etc.
Went to Murphys after for some fish and chips and brewskies.
Sunday had Johnny Moses up for a boat ride.
This week try and get all billing done so we can go to L.A and visit Molly Adams.

Wednesday June 25th

Woke up too early, it's warm even at 4:30 in the morning>
Kitchen windows are open and jasmine is in full bloom - just that smell is enough to put one in good spirits.
It's almost light out.
Good coffee

Monday June 23rd 2003

I would like to get dressed one morning in my life where I do not feel like an absolute Jack Ass Dork Wad.
I can buy all the clothes in the world and still be a dork.
Plus its dark when I get up.

June 21st 2003

Summer Solstice: Walked 5 miles at 6:00 am before it got too hot. Mike going to the boat so have the house to myself all morning.
Plan is work in yard grocery shop and bbq later.
Things on the walk this morning:
Quail
Hot air balloons
Things in the yard that need work:
Veggie box
Hydrangea
Lavender
Fill birdbath

I am 44

I do not want to go on dates

Its just wrong

I should be knitting doilies at night

8/14/2000

So the date at Foothill went well the only problem was that I was nervous so drank too much and then told the guy I would see him the next day for his 50th birthday.
Instead I went to the airport and picked Karl up from his Europe trip. Totally forgot the other plan.
NICE

8/10/2000

Went to Archies for beerz last night. He is going to Tucson for a job interview next week to be a train conductor.
I am taking care of his cat while he is gone.
Going to Foothill Cafe tonight for dinner on a date.. yuk
I went to Target today and bought some pictures and stuff for the house.
I am going to start painting this weekend.
I suck at painting.

8/9/2000

So if I thought I was depressed before I bought the house it was nothing compared to what happened when I moved in.
It was like I was in some one elses house, I was so messed up all I could do when I got home from work was sit on the couch. Frozen.
Could not wait for 4 am to come so I could go to work and feel like I belonged somewhere. I spent every weekend and most weekdays down in Marin I couldnt bear to be here.
I had to go to a shrink mostly because ABN provides it if you go mental and I was totally mental so I went.
It is now the end of Summer and I am going to live in my house and try and start over.
I think a kitten is in order!

4/20/2000

Wake and bake .. get it 420
Wow after all the crap I have been through I am now a home owner. I sign closing papers on Monday!
Went to court yesterday and got the house. Archie went with me and my real estate agent Cindy.
Thank you God for a little time out on the recent shit fest.
I move April 29th
Get the keys on Eddies b day April 24th.
Dream come true.

4/14/2000

FUCK
Yesterday Jeff Hauke had a fatal heart attack and died.
John Lawsons best friend two months later to the day.
I came into work and Linda told me and for the strangest reason I went to the floor because I could not comprehend it.
How can you tell me that my two best neighbors in West Marin, guys that ran double dipsea are both dead?
It is a very horrible cosmic joke.
Hey God.. suck my cock

4/12/2000

One week until court!
Plus next week is only 4 days, Friday off.
Yikes, I did something creepy, I went to a chat room and gave some guy my # and e mail address. YUK he sent his pic. Sold!!!!
This weekend hanging out with Super Dave, it's nice that after 8 years he is still in my life after all.
I feel better each day.
I am fun.
Someone will like me
Someday

4/6/2000

Archies birthday this weekend. Bev and I are going up to his house for a bbq on Saturday. Super Dave and Big Carl are coming too and we can go over and check out my new "maybe" house.
Jane wants me at work on April 19th for expiration but if I have to I will call in sick,or late or desperate, I think I need this house more than Sun Micro pit needs me?
Going to Webbers on Sunday for a bbq.
I got a new account today!
More dough!

4/1/2000

I have focused all my attention on buying a house. It's in Napa for christ sake.
Its cute and its what I can afford but it is a probate sale which means going to court and sealed bids.
Karl and I are trying to be friends but all he wants to do is hang out with Dumb and Dumber.
I find out on April 19th in court if I get the house!
Of course it's April expiration but Linda said don't worry you are going and you will get your house! She is the best.
Im scared.

3/13/2000

Pain, pain and more pain. I feel like I am in a bubble floating through my days, not even knowing how I get through them. When will it stop? If one more fucker says you will get over it, give it time I will scream.
I e mailed Karl, I need him to explain this to me.
He wanted out long ago but didn't have the balls to be the first one to say it.
If he could just tell me I might be able to get pissed and move on.
Work is busy as shit and I feel like I might lose my shit.
It's just coming from every which way.

3/8/2000

I wish I didn't live in this town! I can't even shop at Mollie Stones because it reminds me of Karl everywhere I go.
It's been 12 days since I saw him or talked to him. Why do I keep looking back?
I made so many sacrifices for nothing.
I hate this place,
I think I would hate it no matter where I was.

3/6/2000

I have been trying to keep busy.
Glad to be back at work to keep my mind off of things. My goal is to buy my own house by the time the lease is up on this houseboat.
Got a huge pep talk from Dad, Kathleen and Arch about how I can do it.
Talked to a mortgage broker today about getting pre approved.
I have not talked to Karl in 10 days.

2/27/2000

WORST DAY

Big Boo Hoo
Ok no more Karl baby.
Now I am pissed off, this is not healthy.
I am sick of trying!!
Went to Smittys yesterday with the girls, but very depressed, then went to Joes in Strawberry and met Elaine so we stayed there too long and I was all hung over at work today, like really bad.

2/24/2000

I have never been this messed up in my life.
For some reason work is the only place I feel at home, the rest of my world as I knew it is gone.
The thing is work is really stressy right now, I am working with Joe Ragen and we are in the busiest pit, I am seriously not sure how I am getting through each day.
I go home and just sit on my couch like I am shell shocked.
Thank god for my friends, but I am starting to feel like a basket case and everyone is all worried about me.

2/22/2000

Work was weird today, no one came in so I became a phone clerk. WTF?
Elaine saw Kenny today and he said have you talked to Kellie and she said yes.
He told her that things couldn't be worse for me right now.
I guess my star chart is off its ass like my life.
It's like I want to duck and cover, what next?

2/21/2000 page 2

Did laundry, cleaned, organized and fought with the phone company. Then the girls and Bo showed up and whisked me away to Gloria Ferrer for a beautiful sunny Sonoma afternoon full of champagne and friends. I need the distraction and can't wait to go to work tomorrow. God how pathetic.
Sun is shining.

2/21/200

I am back living on a houseboat, Karl kicked me out after we got in a huge fight over Ruthie always in my face.
On Valentines day the stormiest day ever, I left the Sausalito house and had to go stay with Sharron and Lynnie. I also had to take Rat Dude to be put down, he was 21, big life for a cat. He looked so sad when he went but he knew it was time.
Im in shock and depressed and I can not even function.
Lost my home
Lost my cat
Lost a friend who would have been so pissed to die in that place!!!!
Lost the love of my life.

2/15/200
Today I was coming up the elevator from getting my burrito at El Faro and Dave the guard is in there and all these ambulances and stuff were outside the building so I said whats going on and he said it's Lawson.
So I kept going to the 10th floor and then when I got up there I called down there to see what was going on.
John had a heart attack and died right there in the SGP pit. Fuck yesterday he told me when we were waiting for our carpools that he felt weird.
Kellie came running over to the floor and all you could hear was her screaming.
Im not sure things could get any worse right now.

October 30th 1998

Tomorrow is Halloween but I never have to worry about buying candy for Trick or Treaters because Sausalito has no children.
I guess there are kids in this town but they are probably out having sushi or attending therapy.
I am stressed at work, I feel like there is no place for me on the floor. Like I use to enjoy my time down there but now I hate it.
I want to be a full time office person.
Linda is so nice she is trying to find more for me to do and Jane only makes me go down there if it is really bad.
I interviewed with Susquehanna.

September 16th 1998

I am moving back in with Karl.. psycho that I am.
I like my houseboat, but I never was very good at living alone.
It's kind of a lot of money too.
I am going to move back in October 1st.
It's kind of perfect since I had the summer here and now I am going to be back on land for winter.
The truth is after this I better figure out what I am doing.
I am 42 years old,,, why don't I have a home of my own?
It's like I am living who's life?

September 9th 1998

We took the boat to the Sausalito Art Festival and anchored out behind the music stage. By doing it this way you get:
Free beer (your own)
Free music
Free food ( I made big sandos)
No crowds
Best seat in the house.
So we anchor and we have the sweet spot and then here comes this guy with a restored Hay Schooner and invites us all on that .. god what a boat.
Nice day of music friends and fun.

August 31st 1998

Back from Silver Lake with a severe case of Alcohol poisoning. That place is like there are no rules you just do what you want when you want.
Learned to Contra Dance
Got Arrested
Got locked in a basement
Karl fell in a ditch and dislocated his shoulder after we escaped from the basement.
Skinny dipped at midnight every night.
Visited the Mother Ship (keg) frequently
Enjoyed many good meals
Karl made it through the week on one pair of clothes since he locked his suitcase in his trunk the night before we left.
I am glad to be back in my haunted houseboat alone!

August 10th 1998

Getting ready to go to Silver Lake next week!
I have 10 days off.
We fly out of SFO early next Friday and everyone is on the same plane.
Harwoods Mike, Michelle and kids
Don and Nan
Me and Karl
Kris
Erika
I can't wait, Erikas friend Kellie is coming too.
I love her,, they call us "the Kellies"

July 10th 1998

Jane and Chris took the ferry over and I had bloodys all ready for everyone.
Then we walked to the parade at 10:00 and watched that and went to Dumpy Park and watched the junk boat race to the beach.
This was funny, one of the boats contained "Eugene" as in the band.. its like he was trying to make an "entrance" to the park/party,, the gross thing was it looked like he had been up all night..
I had made the girls recipe for bourbon chicken and we q'd that when we went back to the house. Gene and Ruthie took naps but we kept going and did not see the fire works.
Ya DUH

June 30th 1998

Last weekend:
Marc, Saundra, Me, Karl and I don't even know who else.. all randoms that just showed up.
We went from my houseboat to Saundra's office houseboat then ended up here until about 4 a.m.
Here is the worst part, at one point I go downstairs at Saundras office and there is Karl baby ogling some chicks tits,, like he was all mesmerized by the whole package.
Holy shit I got the creeps and bailed.
Yes Kent Miller I am listening.
(age diff doom)

June 15th 1998

I got up this morning and it is so perfectly beautiful on a Summer morning. I had my coffee with the door open and was in such a good mood when I left for work.
It was high tide and warm by 6am.
We are planning our 4th of July party. I think Jane and Chris may take the ferry over and come to the parade and do the whole Caledonia Street/Dumpy park dorky boat race, Eugene and the Bluejeans.... smittys.
We are going to start at Karl's with some sort of brunch and bloodys and then walk down to the parade.
hmm what to make for breakfast?

June 5th 1998

Kent Millers Birthday.
I am bringing him some cookies that I made. There are enough that he can share them with the whole Nike pit.
This houseboat is creepy. I wake up in the night and have this absolute feeling that beings are hovering all over my bed.. the room is round and its a big circle of ghosty weirdness.
We are planning a trip to Silver Lake with all Wudtkes and Harwoods in August.

May 22nd 1998

It's my birthday, the weather is nice and I am sitting on the deck. The girls came by and we had drinks and they gave me this really cool shirt that Lynnie has that I like.
I am waiting for Karl and having this ridiculous fantasy that he wil show up and ask me to marry him.
Ha.. what a joke.
Kent Miller was right, the age difference is a time bomb and I am an idiot.

May 15th 1998

Petes memorial was on Mt Tam and we went and Kris went.. he kind of hung around in the backround but the the worst part was hearing all Petes friends talking about Pete and Rebecca like they were a couple.. Kris is still married to her!
God it was creepy.
That was the friends memorial and then his mom is having a churchy one at their church on Saturday.
You know it seemed like he never found his way in life, I got him a job interview with Kevin Gee and he ran off the floor?
There are certain people in life that when you get "the call" and you find out they are done by their own decision it is somehow not surprising.
I hate to admit that or even say it but is seems true.
McKechney,, I was shocked but not surprised.
Karl is of course wishing he had talked to him before the end.

May 8th 1998

PETEY BABY HUNG HIMSELF

All day yesterday I waited for Karl to call me because we were going to go on a hike.
I thought maybe he was pissed at me for something or just bailed then he finally called late last night, he had been over at Pete's moms house all day.
Pete hung himself in his moms bathroom.
She called Karl cuz he was his best friend.
Karl is extremely bummed because he did not talk to him because of the Rebecca thing.
I am in shock.
I don't know what to do.

April 30th 1998

Karl is still not talking to Petey baby cuz of Rebecca the whore.
I still say friends are more important than all that shit.
Pete keeps calling and Karl will not call him back. It's sad. They have been friends since they were kids. Now this?
I wish they would work this out but it's more of a fuck job than any of us know.
It just gets worse and worse.
A lot of people are hurt.
Including me but we won't go into that chapter.
I will say this chick has done more damage to more people than I have ever known one human to be responsible for.
Karl and Kris are barely talking too,, ya great

April 12th 1998

The girl next door to me owns her houseboat and works for KTVU, they are doing some kind of houseboat life documentary and want to film my boat.. cuz it's quite strange.
I said yes.. they are filming when I am at work so who cares as long as they are gone by 3pm which they have been.
I love coming home from work and taking a nap up in the loft all floaty and fresh air.
We are planning a trip to Silver Lake maybe in August.
Im in!

April 10th 1998

This thing is totally haunted!
I wake up and feel lots of beings looking down on me from the ceiling.
It's way creepy.
Karl and I got into a fight and this pic of us that I had that Don took at Silver Lake came crashing down and burst apart.. glass everywhere.. but it fell on 70's soft shag carpet.. wtf?
I am having trouble sleeping.

April 6th 1998

I love this houseboat!
Arch and Bev are coming over this afternoon for a lunch on the deck!
Its Archies b day and the weather couldn't be better.
I am going to Molly Stones and get deli stuff and beer and wine.
I have already planted the decks with flowers and when you sit out here its like being on the same level as the water.
Wish I had a dink to sail around in.
Karl is just down the street and I can get away from the "commune" when I want.

March 15th 1998

For Rent:

Rustic (shitty,old) houseboat on gate 6 1/2
Loft bedroom full views of the bay, large deck.

So I go look at it and its just my style, its an old 70's houseboat shaped like a mushroom! The windows are old cockpits from world war 2 airplanes that open out so the freakin thing looks like a total spaceship with the all the windows open.
Its round so the living space is one room downstairs and the loft is the bedroom and bathroom.
The deck is huge and its like my living room is Richardson Bay.
I took it.
Moving April 1st.

March 5th 1998

So I find out that Karls share of the mortgage here is $650.00 a month and guess how much I am paying Gene for "rent"? $700.
I told Karl that I am living in his part of this house and 1/2 of 650 is 325.. when he lived with me in Lagunitas I did not charge him 750. a month because my rent was 700. JOEY.
Erika was right, don't trust Gene he is "dumb as a fox".
They all suck including Karl.
I'm looking for a place of my own where I can come home from work and not be stalked by a bored housewife with a part time husband.

March 2nd 1998

All I can think about right now is thank god I did not go in on this house with Karl and Gene. When JR and Erika said don't do it they were right!
Ruthie is like the kind of person that pushes so hard you don't even want to be around her. I bet when she was a kid she was the last person that got picked for teams.
Maybe I am just an anti social horrible person, but I didn't sign up to live in a commune with no privacy or down time.
I don't want to be here anymore.

February 15th 1998

So there is this store on Caledonia Street and it's a baby store, like baby clothes for rich ass Sausalito mothers of which I did not know even existed, I thought this was a kid free town, anyway there was this pink stuffed pig in the window and yesterday morning (Valentines Day) I get up and go out to the kitchen and there it was on the table with a spesheeee VD card.. awww
It sounds stupid but that was the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
I'm kind of low maintenance.

December 29th 1997

Good God was I hung over yesterday. Thursday night Ruthies friend was here from Idawhore (Idaho) she works for Micron Technology and that is the pit I am in right now so she was my new best friend.
We all went down to Pattersons and it was 11 pm before I even realized I have to work tomorrow.
Got home at 12 and then up at 4 to go to work,, I must have been drunk driving to work. Thank god I was all alone, Jane and Chris are in Chicago.
I spent the morning trying to win Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes by being most original entry. Nothing else to do.
I will probably be arrested soon.
Time for a nap

December 5th 1997

Petey baby keeps calling Karl and he won't talk to him. He keeps leaving messages and Karl won't call back. I can see his point for sure but these guys have been friends for a long time and I am starting to think that maybe this is not Rebeccas first time for being a big fat cheater. It's just that this time its Karls best friend among other annoying things.. arggggghhh
In my book chicks should not come between child hood friends and visa versa
I'm not getting involved .. I am sick of this soap opera

December 2nd 1997

I am starting to hide when I get home from work now from Ruthie.
I sneak in and change into running stuff and sneak back out and do my run to the end of town and then walk back.. its so nice. No tourists and its herring season right now, the boats are all in the bay but they are up so close to Horizons you can see the guys and smell the fish and watch them roll the nets in.
By the time I get home I am not thinking in fractions anymore and Ruthies needy personality seems almost normal.
Time for a glass of chardonay.

November 30th 1997

We rescheduled our dinner with Kent Miller and Teri and went to Il Davide,, I guess Teri likes the food there.
Karl came with me and we stopped at Pinkys on the way and had some bevvys, well we get in the restaurant and there is Jamie and Carolyn so big mouth drunk ass me screams HEY AL!.. and he just looks over at me and says .. Im not drinking.. cuz I guess I also screamed let us buy you a beer.
The whole place was kind of looking at me like what a heatbag.
Nice first impression.
Note to self: Not every night is a Daryllfest.

November 14 1997

So Kent Miller asks me when I could do dinner with him and Teri but I already had a dinner date with Diane and Erica Fiddyment at Buckeye on the night they wanted to go so I told Kent Miller lets do it the next week.. well I guess he didnt listen to me and they showed up just when Diane and Erica and I were being seated so I said stay and sit with us.. but Kent Miller was all mortified and said no, sorry I got it wrong bla bla bla..
I felt bad for him but they could have stayed.

October 17th 1997

Kent Miller met a new girl, I ran into him at Dillers today, he was all hung over.
He told me she likes champagne and they drank a bunch last night.
Her name is Teri and she lives in Sausalito and has red hair.. I asked him what he was thinking... ha
He looked happy!
Im glad for him.
He bought me lunch too.

October 15th 1997

Every day I come home from work and Ruthie comes down and wants to hang out.
The only thing is that I need about an hour or two to come down from my day to go for a run or do Tae-Bo. I am feeling resentful.
Gene still has his place in the city, and he stays there during the week and is only here on weekends, so that leaves her all alone and the whole set up seems strange.
Im trying to not be rude but I need my space especially after work.

October 10th 1997

Ruthie moved in upstairs with Gene.
She was living on a boat next to ours and we introduced them and they hit it off.
She kind of just showed up with her van full of shit one day and started moving stuff in.
I remember him saying after Bonnie died that at his age he was probably done, I guess ya never know.
Work is busy, I have almost every Independent Broker on the floor now as a client for my billing biz. Except Student.. he won't budge.
Went out on JB's boat last Friday night and chased the Sausalito Ferry around.
Flashing tits and dropping trouser..
real mature group we are.
Ended up at Margaritaville and got in trouble, stayed out too late etc.

September 20th 1997

HOLY SHIT.

Karl gets home and tells me that Kris and Rebecca are getting divorced!
The thing with Petey baby has escalated and I guess Kris found out, its a full blown soap opera.
She has been doing him since 4th of July we think.
The whole thing has been a farce, I guess when they were cruising she was seeing other dudes then too?
When they came back for a little while last Summer they seemed fine but it was happening then and they were just putting on this act.
HOLY SHIT

July 30th 1997

Going to Domaine Chandon for the parents 30th wedding anniversary. I bought a new dress, its long and sleeveless and black.
Its just family so Karl is not going, I am driving up to Napalachia and coming back after the dinner.

E Mail From Kent Miller
Monday October 21 2002
4:46pm

My schedule is exactly like all the retired fucks who live all around me.
The dog and I take walks every day and end up waving to exactly the same people in almost the same place. It is very peaceful.
You are going to love this house, by the way, it is right up your alley.
I know you like the neighborhood and you will not believe how much more there is out here in the way of restaurants and sports bars.
My dad is well and moves well as can be expected at 80. All that matters is that he is happy with his new wife and the two of them are perfect together. I have known her since I was 2 years old so we are comfortable together.
Anyway not much more to tell you.
Let me know how to handle the money, thank you for doing me this favor.
If I die, I want everyone to find a sock drawer full of Mahiup so there won't be any confusion about whether or not I was still myself right up to the very end.
Thanks again for everything and good luck to both of us.

E Mail From Kent Miller
Friday July 25th 2003
1:03pm

Mike Gill is closing down the portion of his operation that included Dorso's trading, so I have been busy closing down the positions I put on a month ago.
Closing only is expensive and depressing.
I hope you are stil not feeling threatened about what happened to Oldham. It did not surprise me to read your e mail that he had been drinking with the guys that murdered him.
Like I said closing only has put me in a foul mood, so I am going to sign off and get back to shutting things down.
Remember what happened to Oldham was a result of hanging out with the wrong people and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I am sorry you lost your friend but all I care about is that you don't let it fuck up your life. I know you.

E Mail From Kent Miller
Wednesday April 16 2003
6:05pm

Dara comes to town a week from today. I don't know what to do with her since I no longer know how to have fun. What do people do for fun once drugs, nerf pong, helium skeet and alcohol are off the table?
If you think of anything e mail me, fun is your speciality.
Want more floor gossip. Enjoy ongoing Neagle disaster.
What are seat prices now?

7/15/1997

Holy shit!

4th of July was insane! I came out of the house the next morning and someones bra was hanging from my sideview mirror! Rebecca... claimed it... sheepishly.
So here's the thing,, Petey baby and Rebecca were inseperable the whole night, it was like we were all trying not to notice, including Kris!
We had a full house, I stuck an ounce of shrooms on the dining room table and let the games begin...
Super Dave had new glasses and we re named him the chipmunk.
Jr kept saying don't let the chipmunk drive..
The chipmunk slept on the couch.

7/4/1997

We are having a party at 604 Easterby for the 4th:
Here is the plan:

Breakfast and bloodys 9am

Head to Smittys for more bloodys 9:30

Parade on Caledonia 10:00 (Sausalito alkys, dogs in costume, the mayor)

Cal Marching band in Smittys 10:30

Beer, Beer, Beer

12:00 bbq in Dumpy park

1:00 pm Eugene and the Bluejeans.. AGAIN

8:00 pm head out on boat for fireworks.. highly unlikely

6/1/1997

The most horrible fucking thing happened over Memorial day weekend.
Kerry's boyfriend Ross was killed in a motorcyle wreck.
This is worse than anything I can comprehend.
She just moved up there to be with him.
Fuck you Alaska
I don't even know all the details
Kellie Hart, and Marc are going up there ,, I want to go

5/20/1997

Two days until my birthday:

Tex forgot

my

mom

wants to

know

if

i

will

take a check

4/16/1997

Lame Grateful Journal:

Grateful to be in love= won't last
Grateful to be on my own= won't last
Grateful for my friends= will last
Grateful for spring flowers= won't last
Grateful to be doing well at work= they don't care
Grateful for my my home= renter
Grateful to be healthy= for now

4/15/1997

I am pissed and sick of talking about it.
I spilled the secret that I should have never been told.
We were at the god and run club on St Paddys day and I got a bit too chatty after a few bevvys..
Told Karl something that was not mine to tell..
My question is how was I supposed to walk around holding that in?
And the answer is the bitch that told me knew exactly what would happen eventually.
I am a tool.
Super Dave Called No Answer.
Karl Called No Answer
My Mom Called No Answer
Erika called,, I did talk to her.

E Mail From Kent Miller
Friday November 29th 2002
11:05pm

Teri needs to know your address to send xmas card.
Pleased to hear Dugdale is still hanging in there.
Can't believe same asshole is still chairman of the Exchange.
Who did Teri Chalmers marry?
Is Joe Jackson still running LIT?
Are Charlie Rogers and Kim Koppein still there?
Is Brogan still trading?
The Kevin I was talking about lives in Novato has a brother named Jeff who use to trade for Group One, he's an idiot, never stops talking and gets on every pits nerves.
How much is exchange charging for each contract traded?
Who is running Casey now?
Did I e mail this yesterday?

E Mail from Kent Miller
Saturday Jan 25th 2003
1:03am

It's cold and raining and I don't know what to do with myself. I hope you won't mind if I spend part of such a shitty day pestering you.
Tell me stories from work if you have time. I remember that place fondly, I wish I was back there doing the 4 day a week grind.
I swear I can't think of one single thing else to tell you, so instead of wasting more of your weekend. I will just say thanks again for all you've done and written and traveled since this thing of mine started. I know you.

2/14/1997

Valentines Day

Karl gave me a box of chocolate mints and a speshee card.
Here is the menu for the VD dinner.
Filet Mignon
Garlic Mushrooms
Risotto
Asparagus
Tomorrow is Jay and Leoras wedding in Woodacre.
The weather is beautiful today about 73 out.
My car cost 346.00 to get fixed.. what a burn.

E Mail From Kent Miller
March 4th 2003 12:35 a.m

Nothing new or different here, was feeling sorry for myself earlier, thinking how life has turned into a nightmare. 18 months ago I was an independent business man earning good money, planning for retirement, enjoying excellent health, and generally just having a good time and then WHAM.
Now I hurt all the time, don't know how to support myself, probably will never work again and wonder when the cancer will reappear and progress beyond Houstons ability to save me. If I wasn't so afraid of that kind of death, I think I would have let it happen now, given the chance to do over again.
I know nothing good comes out of that kind of thinking, but every so often it just takes over. I justs never saw this kind of wasting away in my future.
I always figured myself for a heart attack or something quick.
I hope something better lies in store for you.

Friday 2/7/1997

Herb Caen died last Saturday.
Karl is taking me to Phantom of the Opera tomorrow, then back to Fairfax to meet all our friends for Timbers band "Great North Speshee". Then its Jerry's Kids .. Dead head cover band.
Work is great, I got another raise and didn't even have to ask. Plus my outside billing business is getting bigger and bigger.
I'm sad tonight and lonely.

1/27/1997

Last week I had Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off so Karl and I went up to Fort Ross. We almost didn't make it because of the mudslides that eventually closed the road for 2 days.
It was creepy, we just made it through but when we got up there we had the whole place to ourselves.
Yesterday was Super Bowl,, went to Smittys with the girls.
Heebner is going to show me how to compress all my billing data so I can maybe do it from home.

1/22/1997

Kris and Rebecca have left to go cruising on Sanderling. I know it's what Kris has always wanted to do but I am not sure I would be able to do what Rebecca is doing.
Leaving your family and friends for how long?
I admire her for going for his dream.

1/15/1997

Work is great now! It's expiration week and I have not been on the floor at all yet.
I have all these projects, so much paper, ya hhhoooooo
We are going to Diane Martinis for dinner on Friday night but before that we are having a re union of the Birthday Club at Thirsty Bear.
Carole Little, Tex, Me, JJ. I can't wait.
Then on Thursday Diane Fiddyment and Erica here for dinner, then me and Karl up to Fort Ross room 17 on Friday.
5 days off next week.
Total of 32 paid days off this year.
See what happens when ya stick around?

1/7/1997

We went to Tahoe and it was the weekend before the great flood of '97, we got back just in time before the Truckee river went berserk.
Karl and I have been running every day, he is losing weight but not me. Why is it easier for men?
I wish I could have a dinner party here this weekend, but I don't know anyone that would come.
It use to be my favorite thing to do.
Boo hoooo

12/26/1996

The lights just went out and I am sitting in my cozy living room with the lantern that Diane Fiddyment gave me for xmas. Erica is so cute, she gave me a Garcia book written by the editors of the Rolling Stone.. I love it!
It's nice to have chick friends. I was never very good at that.
We had the usual asshole on parade xmas, is it ok to not like your own family?
Every time we get together its a scene.
Why is everyone so pissed off at each other?
I just want everyone to get along and be happy.
Or how about just try and maintain while we are together, then lose your shit when you get home?

11/7/1996

Well Summer is over.
We are going to Brian Camp withapiano's wedding on Saturday and staying down in Burlingame at the hotel where the reception is. Yay.
I decided to buy myself a new bed from the money I am making from billing.
I ordered it from Macys,,, well I failed to realize this street is not big enough for the big truck, so it delivers the bed and no one can get by etc.. the cops come..
I was mortified.. I thought they would have had a smaller truck, but how are they supposed to know about how narrow this street is? DUH

Friday 10/4/1996

Boy we had the family re union from hell last Saturday!
Kate is here from D.C and Molly came down from Chico, we had the usual bbq at the parents and then went out after.
The shit hit the fan and Archie yelled at us and made his sisters cry (not me).
Then he got in a cab and said he did not want to us for another 2 years!
This is the exact amount of time he hasn't seen Kate.
So I bummed out all week thinking I fucked up, and it kills me to think my own brother who I love more than anyone else on this planet could be mad at me.
All I ever do is try and make everyone happy, I hate confrontation, that is why I am the doormat of the family.
He just called and said it wasn't me.
Now I can breathe.

Friday September 6th 1996

I am so excited! I think we are having a "girl" dinner over here on Saturday.
I am so excited, we have not done this in so long. Me, my mom, Lisa, Kerry, Auntie Bonnie. Why have we all been drifting away? Is it me?
I am making Tandoori game hens with cumin tomato sauce, garlic mashed potatoes and lemon zested zuchinni and carrots julliene.
Bev and I had a deep rooted phone conversation this evening.
Death
Financial Planning
Pets
Gardening
The root of all evil, the tree in her backyard.

Friday August 9th 1996

Where have I been?

Jerry has been dead a year now and I still cry. Tex took me to the Further Festival last week and it was fun to see the deadhead legacy continue in some form.
The music was great but certainly not the same. Lobos was the best, Rat Dog was kind of a let down but Bobby had the coolest pants on.
Tomorrow is Saturday and we are going out on Arhies boat.
Went out on JB's new boat last Wednesday and got home at midnight on a school night...
ass

6/25/1996

The weather is cloudy and cold, it's almost 4th of July and I just turned the heat on. I am sick again. I went to work yesterday for 2 hours then came home to bed. Slept all day and all night then felt a little better today and I had to go in because Linda is out.
I had nothing in the house for food so I took a bunch of basil, tarragon, and curry and sesame oil and potato and made soup.. it turned out really good.
I don't get paid until Friday but I will get 300.00 for billing... woohoooo

6/18/1996

Back to the floor today and already bitter by the end of the day.

Kent Miller: get me some chop

Cappy: Did you make my reservations?

Jane: Did you save my personal reference in the computer?

BT: Kellie Baby are you done with that 1000 lot yet?

Tomorrow is Cappys good bye party he is giving himself.

Webber bitter and shitty over Cappy.

Then there is Gabe who can't stop holding a grudge against Wayne for walking away.

Did anyone think maybe it was his health that made him bail?

6/14/1996

Work has been great, I have been upstairs the past month!
Next week is expiration so back to the floor. ICK
Last weekend was the Fairfax Festival, what a Darrylfest.
JB, Dana, Super Dave, Super Likkered Ed, me, Karl and Gene.
Did brunch here at my new house, then hiked down the hill to town with Mimosa's in hand.
We all ended up going to Pancho Villas after the parade then everyone ended up back here, just what I did not want. Felt like shit all day Sunday.
Don and Nan invited us to dinner and we shined... assholes.

6/6/1996

There is a beautiful doe laying at the foot of my porch!
I gave her lettuce.
She is still there and I have a million things to do but I can't bring myself to do anything but look at her.
I have been standing at my door over 30 minutes just enjoying her company.

6/6/1996

Self Loathing 101
Chapter????

I got all the Hawaii pics back. I am somehow amazed at the way I look. I always think I look so bad that pics shouldn't even be taken of me. Then I look at them and think I always look better than what I think I look like.
What do I look like?
Ugly?
This weekend
Fairfax Festival
uh oh

5/27/1996

Back from Hawaii!
Spent 4 days on Maui, me, Karl, Super Dave. Me and my favorite dudes in the whole world for my 4oth!
Stayed at the Pioneer Inn for 4 nights, it was so nice, Diane Fid sent me champagne to our room.. Thnks girlfriend!
Off to the big island to stay with Zack and Hanna, they have 600 acres of Kava growing on their farm. Puppies, cats, horses...
Rode their horses through the sugar cane. Zack took us to this beach where we camped out and he speared fresh lobster for dinner. Unbelievable!
Got to shoot the AK 47
Back to work tomorrow..
Fuck

5/9/1996

Diane Fiddyment asked me over for dinner.
Her and Bucky Doodle, and Jasmine got me a basket full of gardening tools and a gift certificate to the Fairfax Nursery!
How cute is that.
Mothers day this weekend.
Going over to clean up the yard and plant stuff.

5/3/1996

It's Friday and I have no one to play with. I went to the mall and got Kellie Hart some really cool place mats at Williams Sonoma.
I don't know why I picked place mats, it is a bit too domestic but I remember when Stacey Zimmer and Lindsay got me candle holders from Gumps and I thought that was a nice mature present for an old fuck like me.
Super Dave and I may take the ferry over to Vallejo tomorrow for Kellies party.
No Karl baby this weekend. He has finals.
I never see him.
Oh
Well
Who needs men?

5/1/1996

Saturday is Kellie Harts 30th birthday so we are all going over to her house for the big party.
Supposed to go to the farmers market in San Rafael tonight with Super Dave and Kerry but I just now got done with Jamies billing.
Tomorrow is Friday, already, the weeks go by so fast when I am in the office.
I love work then.
15 days to Hawaii.
Lunch at Sams was fun but we went out in JB's boat after and got stranded until 10pm.
Lincoln had to take a dump and had to hang off the side in the water, but got stage fright, the boy was rather uncomfortable, wet nuts .. full ass.. ha
Had to call Vessel assist, JB demanded they bring a case of Heineken to tide us over since it was costing size by largeness.
They delivered the beer but no chop?

4/29/1996

My new place is paradise! Yesterday I planted the decks and just hung out.
Archie bought a house in Napa, got the job in Novato and kept the boat.
Saturday we went out for a short cruise.
Things are looking up, I have not felt this happy for a long time and I did it all myself.
Tomorrow lunch at Sams with the carpool.
Billing all week at work
yipppeeee
life is good!

April 7th 1996

All kinds of stuff has happened. I found a new place in Fairfax, it's so pretty!
It's up on Scenic and it's the bottom of a house that this lady had totally re modeled, everything is brand new and the whole living room is berber carpet and has a woodsy view.
I just got over pnuemonia, I was never that sick in my life.
Today is Easter so I took Bev to brunch at Embassy Suites, what a joke, they were so unorganized it was horrible.
I had to take rat dude over to Bevs to live, I can not have him at the new place.
It's breaking my heart.

Monday again
March 18th 1996

Friday had beers with Webber and ran into Ed Adams and Kathleen, so had a beer with them and came back to San Rafael to the Flat Iron to say good bye to the Darryls (MJT Roadtrip) then the chicks and I went to Pinky's.
Yesterday was fucked up, Super Dave talked me into going with him to a shower in Sebastopol, on the way home we stopped in Novato and got a package. Yuk. Stayed up until 2:30- YUK
At least I already had the day off.
Did I say YUK?

Monday March 10 1996

The market was down 171 points Friday so everyone thought it would be black Monday again, but instead it closed up 110 points. Go figure.
Saturday was great, we had Gene over for dinner on the boat. We rowed the dinghy down to the Western Boat Shop and got two crabs and some shrimp. It's so fun to be able to row down there and get dinner.
Sunday was raining again.
Had to spend the night in Sausalito, there is a band that practices in the warehouse behind the boat.. Great.

3/5/1996

Archie is going to Switzerland on Thursday, just for a visit but I think he is going to look for a job. Fuck.
Karl is getting on my nerves, I feel like I am being used for just about everything.
I want to be taken out to dinner, I want flowers, I want him to come over and listen to me talk for once. I want him to cook me dinner.
I want him to not get laid every time he wants then run off to work. Fucker
He bought me lunch last Saturday but that was it, now he is eating my food and drinking my booze again.
Life sucks. Bev is being cranky, I think something is wrong and we all know why.

3/1/1996

Weekend was kind of sucky. I don't know why. I guess I was kind of hungover yesterday. Went to Sausalito and Karl bought lunch! Went to Archies boat and it was sort of nice out so we motored around and drank beer.
Friday night I was a whore, I told Bev I was coming over and then did a big no show.
We went to Pinky's after work then to JB's house then took a cab back here to meet Karl after his work, then back to Pinky's.
Drink Much?

Feb 26 1996

Somebody buy me flowers

Somebody take me to dinner

Somebody buy me a nice bottle of wine

Somebody do something special

Somebody invite me out on the town

Somebody cook me a homemade dinner

Somebody pay attention when I speak

Somebody surprise me with a treat

Somebody give me a present

Somebody??????

Friday February 23 1996

Its so nice having these days off. Got up at 7! Had coffee, went running and did errands. Its getting all stormy again. We are hiking anyway. I met Arch at his office on Lincoln, then we went to Smith Ranch for beers where we ran into Dick Casey, that was kind of cool to hear the other side of the Coast Options take over story, still can't figure out why Wayne just walked away? Dick Casey said I would always have a job with him if things don't work out on the new frontier!

2/22/1996
Thursday

God, I hate work right now. Linda is always in a "fast market". Being on the floor is driving me fucking kooky. I hate it so much.
So right now its real slow so I thought fuck it and asked for Thursday and Friday off, never thinking they would give it to me, but they did.. yipppeeeee
Woke up at 7 then went running and then down to Sausalito to Freds for breakfast.
Got new running shoes.

2/19/1996

Pouring Rain Again

Saturday Arch and me and Karl and Gene hiked up the old railroad grade to West Point Inn on Mt Tam. It was rainy and and damp but not cold. Then to Gate 5 restaurant for some brewskies.
Work is weird, I feel like Linda is mad at me?

2/8/1996

I Have A Secret

Last night we were at 19 Broadway listening to music and Karl see's this old friend of his moms, I guess she use to baby sit them when they were kids.
So we are all drinking and the music is good and she keeps asking me how Gene is, how are Gene and Karl???? WTF?
So I keep saying things are great, we hike all the time and I cook for them etc.. things are really pretty ok as things could be after Karls mom passed away.
She keeps hinting at the fact that Gene is more than Karls "step dad".
I finally get it, she is telling me something I really have no right to know, do not want to know.
She has obviously broken a promise that she made to Karls mom years ago. Why me?
I can not tell anyone ever.

2/3/1996

Monday

I thought this was the 3 day weekend. Duh its next weekend. It is 77 degrees out today!
Yesterday we finally took the 2 man raft out and rowed around in the canal. I went again by myself today.
Yesterday after the boat ride and some lunch we went to hike in china camp and then to Toms surprise party. Did not stay long. Karl has a low tolerance for his dad lately.
Slept like shit last night.
I always have these nightmares about not being able to get home. Or I am trying to get to work and can't.
Sounds like real life

2/5/1996

Monday

Today is the first day with no rain in about 2 weeks! I have the whole boat open to get fresh air. I even bought some tulips, yellow and pink, very springy.
I went running then grocery shopping- having salad for dinner. Last night I cooked beef stroganoff for Karl and Gene, boy was it stormy, thunder and lightning.
When I came home to the boat I fell down the dock, lovely.
Then in the middle of the night all these rowdy boat pirates got off a boat on the other side of my dock, its kind of scary, my boat door won't lock, if anyone tried to come in all I have is ratdude and he would just make muffins on em.
Work tomorrow, still in Sun Micro, Emily makes runners want to wet their pants.
I feel sorry for them so grab the orders and get the quotes as much as I can but its really busy.
Some of these jack ass market makers are getting in there at 3 am to get their spots.

1/30/1996

Drunken Whore Part Two.

God, Friday night I turned into a big bitter mean drunk. I just laid into to Karl and I don't know why. Maybe my frustration with the relationship, what future?
Kent Miller has been telling me I am doomed because of the age difference, he said it broke up him and Devi because she wanted kids.
Maybe he is right.
Went to lunch today with the hyper new mother. Jesus, I know she quit drinking and is trying to quit smoking but she is difficult to be around.
Going to see the folks in Napa this weekend.
Its raining.

1/26/1996

Drunken Whore.

China Cat into I Know You Rider

Went to work: Fucking corporate

Listening to Jerry

Making me sad

Jerry singing

I'm crying

I want to live in Point Reyes

Sick of being boat bitch

1/17/1996

5:15am

Sitting here on the boat waiting for McNamee to pick me up.
I usually go out to his car and wait with him till Jb picks us up.
We share a pack of pop tarts.. I forgot how good those are.
They moved me to Sun Micro, at least its busy and the day goes fast. Its funny to see all the runners and clerks run from Emily.. ha they are all terrified of her.
Jane seems to think I can put out any fire on the floor so I get called down there a lot even when I am doing billing.
Talked to Zack and Hanna today and they are stoked we are coming over to the big island in May.

Monday 1/15/1996

Cooked dinner for Karl and Gene on Saturday night,
Menu:
Whole chicken chopped up
Artichoke hearts
Carrots
Baby onions
Garlic
Leeks
Wine and broth served over rice.
Going skiing this weekend at Kirkwood.
Today I worked in the office.
Tomorrow back to the floor.

1/12/1996

Feeling kind of useless at work.
Fuck em.
Had beers with Arch at Pinkys.
Bev had a smoke.
Baby shower tomorrow.
Don't want to hang out with chicks.
Rather go to boat show with the dudes.

1/11/1996

Went to Piatti in Mills Ville last night on Chicago Corp. It was good but kind of boring, everyone drank ice tea. Pshaw!
Went to Karls after work and got screwy vibes so bailed.
I can't live on this boat anymore, its killing my lungs.
Called about a cottage in San Anselmo but its too much money.
I am going to be 40 and I have nothing..
LOSER

1/9/1996

Had a great weekend. Niners lost but we had a party at Karls in Sausalito. Kerry, Super Dave, Me and Arch.
I made some great food and then we went to Smittys after.
Looks like Hawaii in May is a do!
Work still weird, but I am picking up more and more billing work.
Went to emergency room again two nights ago.. too wet and damp here?

1/3/1996

Back to work today! It was good to get back into my routine.
Our office is all weird now with the Chicago Corp People ( I see suits) and they want all the brokers to do their own billing, oh darn!!!!
This could be potential money big time.. since I am the billing whore of the PSE!

1/2/1996

Friday night I go out with the Darryls, Jamie, Jb, McNamee, Lincoln, Steve Wrong,
etc.. Pinkys, Flatty, then end up at Trevors where we witnessed the striptease of a very old baggy woman. God I am going to be like that someday, I know it.
Saturday Archie went to the hospital from severe dehydration due to the flu. He was trying to call me but I was too hung and did not answer the phone. So since he is living on the boat in Sausalito and Karl is right up the street he called Karl and Karl took him to the hospital.
Then I had a bad asthma attack and went to the hospital around midnight and was there until about 2:30 so no work today.
I have been out 11 days. I just want to go back to my normal routine!
No more hospital crap.

12/27/1995

I am starting not to know what day it is. What Xmas?
Thank god I have this week off. Went to the hospital again today, 3rd day now, Bev seems a bit better but they are keeping her until Friday. No more smokes.
When I went back to her house I threw away all things tobacco.
Thank god for Gene and Karl, when I got back over there Gene took us to Alta Mira for dinner, if it wasn't for them I would have been eating a day old 1/2 sando for Xmas dinner.

12/24/1995

Merry Fucking Xmas

Spent all day in Pacifica today in the hospital where Bev is. She has a severe respiratory infection. I knew she should have stayed home and not gone to Pats.
Me and Arch came back to Marin this afternoon then he wanted to go back down there by himself, that was weird. I wanted to go too but then I called her and she did not want company.
Arch just called. He is down there staying in a hotel. He went and bought Xmas decorations for her room and put out presents.
I love that guy.

12/22/1995

Merry Xmas.
Arch was supposed to go to Switzerland but cancelled at the last minute. Bev is in Pacifica with Aunt Pat and I am going to Napa Xmas Eve.
Karl and I are hiking Mt Tam tomorrow and then going to his Xmas party.
I went to the Independent party, two days straight of partying. Ended up at Smittys with Pete, Jamie, JB and Kent Miller, just like the old days!
I miss my mommy.
Rat Dude is warm and fuzzy.

12/18/1995

Market down 100

Still patching up from last weeks storm. I stopped the window leak and found all the shit that blew away. There were 100 mile an hour winds for 2 days. Diane called to make sure I was ok, and JB came and looked at the boat.. nice to have neighbors.
Today was busy at work, so was Friday.
Rob Kovell gave me a $300. bonus, he said "when you are here I don't have errors".
Working in that pit makes me feel like I am part of a well oiled machine.
Schwing!

12/10/1995

There is supposed to be a big storm tonight. It just started raining, I guess I will see how boat life is in a storm, it's warm and toasty in here now.
I made mushroom lasagne with shallots and raddichio.
Last nights boat show in Sausalito was fun. It was like a dream. We anchored out in front of Horizons and the whole boat parade went right by us. Then to Margaritaville for dinner.
2 more weeks until vacation!

12/9/1995

Just got back from the mall with my mommy. We gave each other $100.00 bucks and went shopping together. What a great idea then everyone gets what they want.
Tonight we are going to Arch's boat in Sausalito for the Xmas boat parade. I think I will get a bunch of crab to take. Yum. It's foggy and cold.

December 6th 1995

What a nightmare! I had to go to Nordstrom today to return a jumper, and it was so crowded. God I hate shopping. Tried to find jeans, too fat. Tried on a skirt, nothing I have will go with it.
Supposed to go to dinner with Tex tonight but haven't heard from him. No matter where we go I can walk home!

12/3/1995

Chicago Corp is taking over Coast Options. That is why Jane and Geary are here.
And Lary Hanson has been in and out of Waynes office a lot lately.
So Wayne walked out and never said goodbye, thank you or anything to Linda, he just left.
She was in tears.

No More Journal Entry Until:

12/1/1995

Karl wanted to move out of Lagunitas, too far to commute to the city, ya tell me about it.
He moved out and I didn't want to be out there all by myself so I am renting Pete McNamees boat in the canal. Its saving me 200 a month in rent and I can walk to everything.
JB came over and pirated some cable access for me so now I have cable tv.
The dangerous part of this is that I am in crawling distance of Pinkys.
Its very quiet here.

January 22nd 1994

Jesus, I can not believe what Linda is going through. Her parents are here now staying with her.
I think she is going to file a wrongful death suit against the NASD. Stan had this "female" boss that he did not get along with, and it caused him so much stress the doctor wrote him off of work for a whole month. Then he went back for 2 days and ended up dead from a massive heart attack.
I am doing her job while she is taking some time off, I want everything to be perfect so she does not have to worry about this place.
Heebner of course reminded me of this. DUH

I See Dead People
Chapter 3

January 15th 1994

Today at work Stan (Lindas husband) did not show up for lunch today, he always comes over to our office and they have lunch together, they brown bag it most days.
So she calls over to his office at NASD and he did not come to work?????
So she goes something is wrong, I am going to get on the bus and go home.
She said she just had this bad feeling.
She got home and he was dead in the bathroom! FUCK
He had some heart issues and was off work on a medical leave then he was back for 2 days and then this... Are you kidding me???
He was in the house all day til she got there.
Massive heart attack
Then you die

I See Dead People
Chapter 2

E mail from Kent Miller
Thursday November 21 2002 11:23 pm

Just got home from Houston (MD Anderson) They are very optimistic. Meyeloma doctor says I am at far end of spectrum for accepting transplant, once again general fitness comes into play.
Transplant doctor says transplant will be treated as outpatient procedure and come back every day from apartment across street for several weeks, but odds of survival in regards to complications exceeds 90%.
Bullshit
Then you die.

I See Dead People

Dec 1st 1993

Karls mom passed away today.
Ovarian cancer age 55.
Here is what I don't get. I understand about Hope. What I don't understand is why doctors tell you its going to be ok when it obviously is not.
Here have chemo it will make you sick.
Here have radiation it will make you sicker.
Then you die.

October 20th 1993

A Brief Summary of Coast Options Management:

Kevin Gee: All business not much fun, never smiles. What does this guy do on weekends??

Tom Heebner: Takes it all too seriously. Heil Heebner

Linda: Would give you the shirt off her back.

Gabe: Elitist, fun outside of work, could stab you in the back.

Cappy: Blowhard, gets things done, bark is worse than bite.

E Mail From Kent Miller
Tuesday March 4th 2003

Thanks for sending me the latest floor bulletin. About that 13$K bid- who wants more seats? I mean do people really expect a significant change in the state of affairs down there? And think of all the doctors and dentists who paid $350K or more for one of those things, they must really feel sandbagged. The only good thing I can think of in this regard is that Paul Liang must be royally fucked after years of trying to manipulate the seat sales. I hope he is bankrupt.

October 5th 1993

I was laying in the hammock reading after work and Hauke and Lawson stopped by to burn one. I don't know how those guys do it, they can run forever, drink some beers burn one and run some more. I have been going out to Bear Valley to run on weekends.
They do it most days after work. Its 8 miles!

October 2nd 1993

Woooohooooo, I got a raise! And quite by accident a big one. Gabe decided to give me more money on the equity side and then Wayne gave everyone on the options floor one since it has been so busy lately.
Speaking of that Heebner is making us all come in this expiration Saturday, not just trade match but all brokers, assistants, booth people etc..
I have been here 15 years and have not had to do that yet. Heil Heebner!

September 20th 1993

Mortified Heat Bag

So last Thursday night dinner club was at one of Super Daves house sitting jobs and we were just going to bbq but then we ended up going all night and I had to work Friday, I would have called in sick but it was Expiration. I had to take the bus in because I couldnt drive to the carpool,, finally the day ends and I get home and nap.
I woke up and thought it was the next day and rushed to the phone and called work.
Ellie answered and I told her I was on my way in but might be an hour late and please tell the floor.
She said Kellie its Friday evening,, maybe you should get some rest...
Jesus,,, ya, hi co owner of the company I work for, sorry but I don't know what day it is.
Jesus.

August 29th 1993

Last weekend went to the Dead show at Shoreline. Stayed at the Rancho Tropicana, I love this place you can sit by the pool all day with all the other dead heads and sip your cocktail of choice. We meet all kinds of cool people just hanging out there.
Stopped at Safeway before the show and the place is over run with smelly hippies.
The cookie aisle was clogged up with giggling confused tripping people trying to decide what cookies to buy. One group was totally losing their shit laughing so hard.
Karl dove in the pool all screwy and his shoulder came out of its socket. I had to pull it back in...
Came out of the show and there was a parking lot party with a flat bed truck blaring disco music plus nitrous. Huge dance party... quite possibly the best parking lot party I have ever been to.
We had trouble getting back to the hotel, couldnt find it even though we have been there millions of times. OVERSERVED.

July 22nd 1993

Karls mom is sick. They think ovarian cancer. She has to have chemo and radiation.
Shit

July 18th 1993

Last Friday after work the carpool stopped at the Final Final on the way home because there was some traffic issue on the GG Bridge. So we sat there for awhile, me JB, Cottrell, Manavi. Neagle was aleady there. Shocker! Needless to say this combo of people spelled danger. Next thing Smittys, after that Silver Peso.
I had to walk from the Peso to Lucky drive to get my car.

June 15th 1993

We have new neighbors! They are replacing the Meth Chick, the place has been vacant forever. Zack and Hanna, we had them down for dinner last Friday night, it was a perfect Lagunitas Summer night. I have fixed up the little yard so there is a patio and a table, hammock, and I planted gladiolas on the terrace.
They are deadheads too. We are planning on going to some Summer shows.
Nice to have normal people up there!

June 10th 1993

I have been getting up at 4 a.m so I can run before work. Its really dark and kind of creepy, this morning I was on my way back and some hairbag that looked like he lives in the woods and eats chipmunks screams at me "good morning"! Scared the shit out of me.
Its just too hot out in the afternoon to run.

May 5th 1993

Have not written in a long time. Karl is moving in! I am happy but wonder if its really a good idea. I was just starting to feel ok on my own. We have been hanging out every day anyway. I either go to the City and stay there which is good because I can walk down the hill to work and sleep until 5:30.
More money to spend because now I will have help with rent. I do get sick of everyone having to mention the age difference, last Friday we were at Gatsbys (Cappy buying pizza) and Karl met me there and Cottrell screams out to everyone, "jesus christ RUSTY, what is he??? 12???
Nice

E Mail From Kent Miller
Friday November 15 2002


If crying has anything to do with me, think about something for a minute. If anything goes wrong, it will be exactly like going to sleep, won't it?
What difference except that no wake up to any problem ever again?
Disappointment, pain is strictly for everyone else. I always liked to sleep.
I had a fun life. I forsee differences in life I enjoyed vs. older middle age.
This is no problem for me really. Life is becoming routine, and ending no longer surprise, all is known.

1/10/1993

Happy New Year!

Spent New Years Eve at the Grateful Dead show with Brian, Meredith, Super Dave, and Super Daves friend.
Got to the hotel and checked in and then drank some beers and burned one and started jumping up and down on the beds while listening to "Me and My Uncle"...
Headed over to the show and found our seats up in the nosebleed section, I swear it was so far up when you danced it felt like you were going to fall straight down hill.
So I look over at one point and Meredith has done just that, face planted on the seat in front of her, she is bleeding all over the place because she landed right on her nose on the seat back in front of her.
The paramedics came up and took her to the medical tent on a stretcher!
Brian went down with her but we all stayed for the show and then went down after.
Don't try this at home!

Seven Signs Your Marriage Is Troubled

1. You can not stand his voice
2. You can not stand to hear him breathe
3. If you hear one more story for the 100th time you will lose it
4. You find his food choices annoying
5. You find yourself growing a ball sack
6. Mid life crisis
7. He thinks you suck too!

11/22/1992

They found Lindas car, on some East Bay off ramp all stinky and stripped.
I guess car theives target the carpool lots because they know all of us assholes have to work while they steal shit.
I think she is going to move out from her house for awhile. Shit.
Maybe not but I see the signs.

11/21/1992

We got off the bus yesterday and Lindas car was not at Seminary!
Looked all over. Not there .. really
Its a 5.0 Mustang
Called cops, it was stolen!
Holy shit, I hope they take my beater Z car next!

11/20/1992

The number 30 GGT Bus Sansome st 1:45 pm

Usual suspects today:
John Lawson
Jeff Hauke
George Webber
Diane Fiddyment
Various Equity People
Me and Linda.
Linda says her and Stan are having problems.
She is contemplating her own place for awhile.
Tried to talk her down, its not fun out here alone.

11/14/1992

Carpools:

Most Boring:
Gabe, Kristy, Linda

Most Fun:
JB,Cottrell, Manavi

Most Reliable:
Foltz, Odie, Ricky

Biggest Carpool Whores:
Don Kaiser
Linda
Sometimes Gabe if Kristy needs the car after work.

11/5/1992

Got a ride home with Kent Miller today. He was absolutely glaring at me and then brought up the "who got fixed issue". Like its my fault he was the one?
When we got married we had this discussion, we went to clinics about it, I wanted it to be me. I know who I am and I know for extreme sureness that I will never breed.
I could not imagine giving up my soul for another human being for 18 or more years.
At first he agreed so we did what all doctors told us to do, the man gets fixed because its easier to reverse.
Now he is pissed at me.
The new girlfriend is "Devi" she is 20 something.
hmmmm

10/28/1992

Its over!
Slept the rest of the day and then felt fine.
Went to the mall with my mommy to do some medicinal shopping on Saturday.
Note to self:
No more
Car Wrecks
Hungover work mornings
Getting knocked up
Toxic friends

October 26th 1992

The Big Abortion

The worst part of this whole thing is tonight! This afternoon they put a sea weed dialator in. Its supposed to be the natural way to get there, slowly, painfully, but they don't tell you that part.
Then tomorrow morning I go in for the main event.
I do know that I never wanted kids, this is not the hard part. The hardest part is I have to wonder why my life is so out of control.
I hate me

10/17/1992

KNOCKED UP

Self Loating 101 chapter 3

How the hell could I be this stupid? Yes I am living on my own, going through a divorce, dating a dude that is 12 years younger than me and now I am pregnant!
IDIOT>
I thought I was smarter than this? I am terrified.
Told my Mom, and Karl is taking me next Friday to get it "taken care of".
Told work I need a day off for female problems. Ha dudes never ask about that.
I need to grow up. Most women my age have families and day to day responsibility.
Me.. Nah.. just keep fucking up.
Loser

Guest Book:

7/9/1992

David Felling Comment: Thursday night get together, party by the creek!

7/30/1992

Super Dave Comment: Thursday night dinner club, mood is awesome.

7/30/1992

Ray Gentile: Comment: Told ya I would come!

8/23/1992

Doris: Comment: Soon to be a likkered idiot with wet nuts.

The Guest Book Started In 1988
A Gift From The Parents (its still going to this day)

Entry:

8/26/1988
Mark Patterson Houston Texas Comment: Durn Near Civilization!

1/25/1990
John Brown Eden Roc Saus.

1/25/1990
Jamie Cottrell San Rafael

5/2/1992
Doris ? Comment: Give me a beer

5/9/1992
Brian and Meredith Comment: CHIRP

5/7/1992
Big Daddy Comment: Father of all beings

5/21/1992 Comment: Party On
Super Dave

September 10th 1992

Hot as shit today.
The beauty of living out here in "Laggertnitas" is that I can come home go for a run in Samuel P Taylor park and my run ends at Inkwells where I can jump into ice cold creek water!
Only problem today was some dude was watching me... ick
Kent Miller has a new girlfriend.
I think she is 12
Ha I should talk.

September 7th 1992

I have decided to ask to go back to the Options Floor as a clerk.

Here is my pitch:

I have broker experience
You can move me from pit to pit to put out the fires.
I can still do equity clearing.
I can still do billing.
I don't get bored and you get more for your money.
How bout that?

Great
I show up at Lucky drive to get picked up by the carpool, the straight boring carpool, Gabe, Kristy, Linda.
I am:
On Crutches
On Pain Medication
Hungover
Face and forehead still have glass inbedded.
I have decided to tell everyone I was in a wreck, thats all.
NICE

August 29th 1992

Went up to Bucks Lake last weekend with Kerry, Steve, Marc, Ado, everyone was up there.
We got up there around 5 or 6 and everyone was at Lakeshore, started off ok with a few beers and then it got crazy, Marc had cabin one and we were all going back and forth over there, then the band played and we were all drinking Tree Smackers. At closing time I decided to ride back over to Mill Creek where everyone was camping with Andy Ball and Karl, Andy was driving. I had no idea how drunk the guy was. I was sitting on Karls lap in the passenger side thank god because Andy never even negotiated the first turn and next thing I knew we are flipping over and over and over, it was so quiet and all I remember is wondering when it would stop.
When it did stop, we all made it out of the car and just started walking, I did not know it at the time but I had glass all in my face and forehead and Im sure we were all in shock but we walked all night. By the time the sun came up Andy and Karl couldnt go anymore and they passed out at Sundew right on the beach, and I kept going until I got to Ado's tent. I must have looked fucked up because when I poked my face in he just started running to find Karl and Andy.

E Mail From Kent Miller
October 22nd 2002

I have to tell you the truth, now that I think of it. I couldn't stand most of the friends you had who weren't part of the Exchange. I mean none of them were good company for you.
Hmmmm maybe that is why I left?

August 4th 1992

It was getting to the point where people that I did not like or really want around me where hanging out at my house. Staying up all night while I am trying to sleep and maybe keep my fucking job!
Time to fix this. I am messed up enough right now wondering how come Kent Miller got the ball rolling so fast with a divorce. I kind of thought when I moved out that it would be for a little while to see what is going on with me. Seems like he wants out too?

July 14th 1992

Back from the road trip, it was fun.
We camped by the river and swam and met some people that had a volley ball net.
Played all day Sunday and did not leave up there until 7pm. Which meant getting back to San Rafael around 11pm and sleeping at "Timmys" until 3:30 then drive out to Lagunitas to get clothes and shower and go to work. Felt like shit all day Monday.
I think I want to be with Karl... he is 12 years younger, what am I thinking?

July 7th 1992

Road Trip!

Super Dave is housesitting at "Timmys" Timmy is a golden retriever.
We are all heading up to the Eel River tomorrow with the dog in Brians VW bus.
I have never met a more organized camper than Brian. You want a breakfast sando in the morning when ya wake up... done, ya want to play volley ball, done, ya want to q up some steaks for dinner, done. Want to do some shrooms...
Off to bed, have to get up early.

June 12th 1992

We have a thing called the Thursday night dinner club, it is me, Brian, Meredith, Super Dave, Kerry, Burleffee, Karl Baby, Garrett, and who ever else wants to join.
Last Thursday we all went out to China Camp and bbq'd. The problem is that it gets out of control and I am the only one that has to get up at 4 am for work. OUCH
I am still in Gabes carpool, Linda sleeps on the way in and Gabe and Kristy listen to BBC radio, and I sit in back reeking of "fun".

June 10th 1992

I called my landlord and then I called the Sheriff, when the Sheriff went up there they found the little kid in her crib covered in filth.
I do not even know the name of the girl that lives up there and I for one have no room to complain about a partier, but if you have a kid that young you shouldnt be bringing that into the house.
I think they took the kid away.
Shit

June 5th 1992

I See Meth People.

Lagunitas is a small town with one deli and redwoods every where. Salmon actually spawn in the Lagunitas creek. In 20 minutes I can be out at Point Reyes hiking.
Why then do "meth people" seek out this environment?
The girl above me has a 2 year old daughter, she seems to be a single mother.
Her place is full of people and they are up all night. When I get up at 4 am to go to work they are still going.
Gross

E Mail From Kent Miller
December 23rd 2003

I don't know if my depression is a natural part of growing older and physically winding down, or a function of leaving the floor and the only work I had ever done successfully, or stress over financial worries, or stress about the cancer, or who the fuck knows what else.
I don't know what other people experience as they approach 50 and change their lifestyles and lose touch with the friends of their youth. I don't even know if all the fun you and I had working for so many years in such a unique environment makes adustment to middle age better or worse?
I guess time will tell.
I know you too.

May 26th 1992

I moved today.
Kellie Hart slept over.
Kent Miller stayed in bed while I moved all my stuff out.
We were done by noon.
Happy/Sad

May 16th 1992

Kent Miller knows something is not right, today on the way home he asked if I wanted to go on a walk after work. He had tears in his eyes.
I feel like its too late.
I hate me.

May 15th 1992

I looked a place in Lagunitas today and before I knew what I was doing I signed a lease and wrote a check to hold it. I was shaking so hard.
I went to Auntie Bonnies house on the way home and told her I was leaving Kent Miller.
What am I doing? I am scared and excited to be on my own.
The place is really cool, its got a wood stove and a little yard and I can have Rat Dude the cat.
I feel like a big mid life crisis cliche.

April 1992

I think I suck at this Equity clearing job. Not to mention I am having a few "personal" issues like DIVORCE.
Gabe had to have a little chat with me after work today about my job performance.
I guess I have had too many settlements hit the past week.
Not to mention I am in their carpool and I probably smell a little "boozy".
I feel like a turd!

E Mail From Kent Miller
Tuesday October 22, 2002

Our marriage was no ones fault. We were not growing up together, which is the only reason we did not go forward. We were doing the same stupid shit the last 90 days we were together as we were doing the first 90 days. Look at what you have put together for yourself, by yourself since you were on your own.
I thank god every day that I do not have children. I still can not believe that my parents did not sell me when I was a teenager I was such fuckup.
Having kids is a job and responsibility you have to really really want if you are going to do it right and I think your folks are an example of two people who got into it without thinking things through. Like I know what I am talking about.
We weren't going anywhere and when we cut the cord we both started moving forward.
What does that tell you? If we had stayed together, you would not have house in Napa and your husband would be dying.

4/9/1992

Something is not right with my life.
I feel like I am not where I belong.
Like I am invisible to Kent Miller.
I have a big crush on Super Dave.
This is wrong.

3/14/1992

Going out to Point Reyes today to Limantour for a beach party with Brian, Meredith, Kellie and John, Kerry and Steve and Super Dave. Its off and on raining but we are going anyway.
Last Saturday night went to George Webbers bachelor party, it was disgusting, Jamie had to come get me at JBs and drive me home... SUNDAY afternoon.

Saturday February 1st 1992

Everyone over here for a welcome home Steve Hubbard party. It was a surprise and a ton of fun. Of course I stayed up too late with Marc and Ado. We ended up next door????? At 5:00 a.m
Had a heated discussion with one of the bimbos about the downside of being a fashion model.

E Mail From Kent Miller
Tuesday December 23 2003

Good question about what happened to all the fun... Sometimes I wonder if this is just a natural part of growing older and leaving behind the notion that we have plenty of time to worry about preparing for growing old.
I know that I have been extremely unhappy ever since I left the floor to face an uncertain and unsettling future. The pain I was experiencing in my back only made a bad situation worse. I have to admit that I was at a point that I was thinking it would be fine not to wake up many months before the cancer diagnosis.

January 12 1992

Friday after work went to Feng Nian with carpool plus Casey Sayre. Then to Smittys where Cherys met us then up to the "monster mansion" Johnny Moses' house. Called Kenny then back up here but everyone gone by 2.
Kerry called to see if I could come over while "Burlefffeee" got his stuff out. She was worried he might make a scene.
So I walked over, helped clear my head.
Kent Miller and I went out for a shitty pizza.

Saturday December 28th 1991

Had the whole family here for Xmas, cooked lasagna, chicken casserole, stayed up too late with Marc and Emra.
Stayed up until 1:00 a.m Xmas eve, then up at 7:00 Xmas day to go to Napa.
Merry Xmas felt like crap.

December 5th 1991

I have 5 days off. Kims last day is Tuesday so I have to take my days before. No problemo.
Last night met Kent Miller and Casey and Dugdale at the brewpub.
Then Gonzales Hacienda for dinner.
Got a new brass bed last Saturday, hard to get out of in the mornings.

Sunday November 3rd 1991

The phone rang at about 6:30 a.m it was Cottrell saying he would drive if we wanted to go to the memorial in GG park.
Well at first I thought no way since I was up till about 3 am. But then decided to go. Glad I did.
We were all in the back of Jamies truck and as we went over the Waldo Grade and into the tunnel it was clear that most people on the road were heading to GG Park. It was eerie, everyone nodding to each other in their cars, like a procession of sorts.
300,000 people there.
Crosby Stills Nash and Young back together, Journey, Grateful Dead, Joan Baez, Santana and many more.
Miracle I wasn't hungover Monday.

Friday night November 8th 1991

Bill Graham died in a helicopter crash 2 Friday nights ago.
I heard the sirens that night, it happened in a PGE power pole on a rainy night.
Right across the hiway from our house.

Went to see the Dead last Wednesday with Brian, Ate mushrooms, when am I going to grow up?

Friday night
October ? 1991

FAC at Kaisers pool.. wore my new Laura Ashley dress.
Drank red wine which I can not do.
Smoked something funny which I can not do.
Thought I was just walking along but walked right into the pool, no clue.
Kent Miller whisked me home,,, laughing all the way.

10/1/1991

Dugdale caught
1 Fox
1 Skunk

We harvested our last plant yesterday

Sunday September 22nd 1991

Kent Miller goes to Texas on Tuesday for a week. I fucked up the T Bird this morning.
I was going to the store and backed out of the garage and ran the drivers side into the Z. I have not told Kent Miller yet, why ruin a good Sunday?

Note to Readers:

At this point in the diary I am losing my marriage, I to this day do not know why this happened. It was fueled by my decisions.
I am not sure if it was a midlife crisis or some divine intervention of things to come.
I believe I was not a strong enough person to endure what Kent Miller had in store for him.
Or I was just an asshole.

September 12th 1991

Back in the swing of things, last weekend had JB, Dugdales Cottrell over, got trashed and spent rest of weekend recovering
Tex in town on Monday so met him Johnny Moses, Rick, JJ at the brew pub then everyone here for Monday night football- felt like shit again on Tuesday.
Tomorrow FAC at Kaisers pool.

August 29th 1991

Back from Bucks Lake but I am very depressed. I had too good of a time.
Got up to the lake with Arch around noon, found everyone at the Lodge, Ray, Peggy, Kerry, Kellie Eastman, John Hart his friend Brian and Marc, all having tree smackers.
Went out on boat, bbq'd on the beach then had a big mushroom fueled dance party on the beach.
Back to lodge to listen to the band (Marc sang 3 songs with them) then back to the cabin until 6am.
Sunday round 2 bloodies in the lodge by noon, out on the boat etc..
Monday drove home 5 hours

Self Loathing 101 chapter 2

Tuesday Aug 20th 1991

Worst chore in the world for a white skinned freckle fuck red haired fat bitch and that is to go shopping for a swim suit. Went to every store figuring a speedo was my best bet, they cover more, but too tight.
What I wish I could wear to swim:
running shorts no top

Friday August 16th 1991

Oh boy oh boy- I am off for two weeks and a week from today we go to Bucks Lake!
Today:

Nursery- 3 small pots for herbs
Herbs
Potting soil
Do laundry
Clean house
Bike ride

Saturday August 10 1991

Sitting on the back deck with a cup of coffee.
Going out to Indian Valley at 10:00 to see about a horse to sponsor.
He is a 12 year old appaloosa and I would have access to all the open spaces trails!
Gabe is having a bbq today at 4:00.
Equity people

The Equity Floor:

There is something about being an Option person vs. and Equity person.
Ever since I started going back and forth between the two floors I feel like they all look down on Option people. Like I am some kind of animal.
You can not wear jeans on the Equity floor, but sometimes that is all I have.
I think Dave Chong hates me.
Will told me he did the other day.

Thursday July 11th 1991

Things that happened:

Kellie Eastman asked me to be in her wedding! Looked at bridal gowns last night with her mom, gramma and Kerry.
I am shopping too much.
FAC at Kaisers tomorrow.
Total eclipse today, the city was a big party.
Went to Liz and Larrys for bbq last Saturday, Liz not herself?

Friday June 7th 1991

SHIT FUCK- Yesterday we went to Marlenes funeral. Goddamnit! The breast cancer finally got her. It was horrible and sad. Cappy delivered a beautiful eulogy. He seemed tired, drained and hurt, but there were so many of his and her friends there and that has to have some degree of comfort.
Got a ride there with Kim and then home with Kaiser- home by 4 and vegetated, kind of in shock, I cant believe it came to this?

May 24th 1991

I am in a fight with my mom. A big bad one. I am sick of always being there for her and its like I am the parent. I give her money all the time, take her where ever she wants to go, do all the cooking and grocery buying and plant buying etc...
Which is fine, its that I never get a thank you.
Or a gesture of gratitude.
Nothing.
We haven't spoken in two weeks.
Happy Birthday

May 23rd 1991

I am 35 years old. We spent my birthday up at Lake Almanor at Kaisers cabin. We got up there Sunday afternoon but it was rainy and cloudy. Same with Monday so we sat in front of the fire and did nothing. Tuesday warm weather. Tried to fish, nothing biting.
Cooked hotdogs over a campfire and that did bite.
Left early to come home.

Monday May 13th 1991

Howard fell down on the steps to the Exchange today. He was coming back from Grazzianos (lunch and scotch) like he does everyday and fell up the stairs.
Paramedics came.
The guy must be 90 years old, he comes to work everyday in a full blown suit and tie, sleeps with his head on his desk and goes up the hill to the bar for lunch every day.
He was actually working there in 1929 when the original crash occured.
His wife calls every Friday to remind him to pick up shrimp after work on the way home.

Saturday March 15 or 16?
7:00 A.M

We saw the place yesterday and its spotless! We move on the 23rd, next weekend.
Arch, JB, Cottrell coming for dinner tonight:
Dinner menu-
Salad
Chili
Cornbread
BEER

Friday March 8 1991

We found a place but it is a bit weird. The place is gorgeous and huge and light and airy, 3 levels!
Here is the thing: Junkies lived there, I can't believe this. I guess I pictured Mission Street hotels for that sport, but I guess suburbia is just as good.
The landlord is going to clean it and change the locks. If it looks ok we are taking it.
Kent Miller cut his eyeball yesterday when he took a tennis serve in the eye.
We are both home today. I have to drive him to the Dco since he can't see.

Saturday March 2nd 1991

Have to move by April 1st, looked at a place in Pacheco Valley, it was nice but its a lower, no thanks.
I wish we could rent a house not a damn condo surrounded by assholes.
Kent Miller rolled in from FAC around 1 a.m
Not Me..
I feel great!

Thursday February 28th 1991

No FAC for me this week, I have to work on Saturday so have to be good Friday night.
Kaiser was sick ysterday throwing up on the way to work then all day at work.
Poor Guy

February 12 1991

Thursday is Valentines day so I am making bags of treats for the carpool. Hersheys kisses and black bottom cupcakes. Everyone gets their own dinosaur bag with some kisses and 2 cupcakes ... could ya just puke or what???
Friday Afternoon Club (FAC) is getting out of control. Last Friday we went BERSERK
Tex's party one week from this Friday.

January 27th Super Bowl Sunday 1991

Last Saturday night did not get home until 3 am. then up at 10:00 to make food for the niner party, everybody ended up over here. Drank all day then went to the Mayflower after the game, just cuz we weren't boozy enough. Felt like crap on Monday.
Kathy and I went horseback riding after work on Friday while the guys played golf.
Then to the Hilltop for beers and finally met up with them at the brew pub at 8:30.
On to Savannah Grill then up to Young Mans house till 2 am.

Sunday January 6th 1991

Friday the Birthday Club met. Went to the Cypress Club for lunch then the usual spots:
Grasslands (dive) Lipo (weird ass buddah bar) then to Persia AB ZAM ZAM.. where if you walk in and order a beer or anything but a gin martini Bruno will beat your ass.
I think JJ did a full dismount from a flatbed trailer at the corner of Bush and Battery.

Tuesday December 18th 1990

Monday night football party at Eisners last night. Kathy cooked the best mexican!
3 Kinds of enchiladas, chimichungas, tacos etc.. It was soooo good.
Have day off today.
Doing laundry
Cleaning house
Listening to Harry Connick
Burning Potpourri
It is starting to storm!

December 7th 1990
Pearl Bailey Day.. (that calendar again)

Friday: Put up Xmas Tree

Monday: Football at JB and Danas

Tuesday: Grateful Dead show (hallucinogenics)

Wednesday: Crash and Burn

Thurs: Work sucked

Friday: FAC (friday afternoon club) at 2 am club.

Tomorrow: Brogans Party in Daly City

Sunday November 11 1990

I got a mountain bike!
Kent Miller decided that since I have been walking so much I deserved a better way to get exercise.
I am riding to Stafford Lake today.
Friday night went to Kaisers for Dons birthday. Yesterday to Casey Sayres for a party then had dinner with the Benders and Alo's at a new Italian place in Larkspur.
Sometimes I am too "huggy"

Monday October 8th 1990

Tomorrow is Korean Alphabet Day number 8.
At one time we had the screwiest calendar and noted that our wedding anniversary fell on "Korean Alphabet Day" so there ya have it.
We went to the city on the 5:40 ferry. Went to Tadich for dinner then the Tonga room.
The Top of the Mark.
Dara is here, we are all going riding up at Wild Horse Valley in Napa.
Then dinner at Mama Ninas.

Tuesday August 21
5:30 A.M

Last night we had Dugdale and Cottrell over for Monday night football. I made tacos and they stayed for dinner. Drank a case of beer. Ya good idea on a Monday night.
I feel like shit.
Kent Miller wants to run after work.. right now I am not thinking that is possible.
Off to work.

Sunday August 15th 1990

Went to a vulgar water slide yesterday with JB and Dana. The place was really gross.
Dana and I did not want to stand in lines for hours so we sat on a fake beach and drank beer.
Note to mothers with poopy babies.. keep em out of the water.. gross
Returned to Sausalito looking for "Kenny"
Did not find "Kenny" thank god.
Had dinner at Feng Nian and went to bed.

Thursday August 15th 1990

Played tennis two hours yesterday afternoon, then another hour in the evening after dinner.
Sold the rest of the gold on Wednesday at 400. We agreed that if it traded at 400 time to sell. Dump it.
Im wearing jeans to work tomorrow, nothing else to wear.. big no no on the equity "old man" floor.

E Mail From Kent Miller
Monday June 23rd 2003

Hey,
Sounds as if your dream weekends are a little slower paced than they use to be.
Right about Joe Kaisers marriage making one feel old. Remember when he was excited about Sea Monkeys? I am glad that Kaiser still has business and can afford wedding.
My memory of little Pags is he was maybe a little immature, reading comic books when his buddies are probably reading Hustler. Tell Pags I think he should get the kid a copy.
Hope Novato Winefest is fun but remember hangovers are a bitch even if Cottrell and JB are suffering too. They are younger and can shake it off easier.