I am 44

I do not want to go on dates

Its just wrong

I should be knitting doilies at night

8/14/2000

So the date at Foothill went well the only problem was that I was nervous so drank too much and then told the guy I would see him the next day for his 50th birthday.
Instead I went to the airport and picked Karl up from his Europe trip. Totally forgot the other plan.
NICE

8/10/2000

Went to Archies for beerz last night. He is going to Tucson for a job interview next week to be a train conductor.
I am taking care of his cat while he is gone.
Going to Foothill Cafe tonight for dinner on a date.. yuk
I went to Target today and bought some pictures and stuff for the house.
I am going to start painting this weekend.
I suck at painting.

8/9/2000

So if I thought I was depressed before I bought the house it was nothing compared to what happened when I moved in.
It was like I was in some one elses house, I was so messed up all I could do when I got home from work was sit on the couch. Frozen.
Could not wait for 4 am to come so I could go to work and feel like I belonged somewhere. I spent every weekend and most weekdays down in Marin I couldnt bear to be here.
I had to go to a shrink mostly because ABN provides it if you go mental and I was totally mental so I went.
It is now the end of Summer and I am going to live in my house and try and start over.
I think a kitten is in order!

4/20/2000

Wake and bake .. get it 420
Wow after all the crap I have been through I am now a home owner. I sign closing papers on Monday!
Went to court yesterday and got the house. Archie went with me and my real estate agent Cindy.
Thank you God for a little time out on the recent shit fest.
I move April 29th
Get the keys on Eddies b day April 24th.
Dream come true.

4/14/2000

FUCK
Yesterday Jeff Hauke had a fatal heart attack and died.
John Lawsons best friend two months later to the day.
I came into work and Linda told me and for the strangest reason I went to the floor because I could not comprehend it.
How can you tell me that my two best neighbors in West Marin, guys that ran double dipsea are both dead?
It is a very horrible cosmic joke.
Hey God.. suck my cock

4/12/2000

One week until court!
Plus next week is only 4 days, Friday off.
Yikes, I did something creepy, I went to a chat room and gave some guy my # and e mail address. YUK he sent his pic. Sold!!!!
This weekend hanging out with Super Dave, it's nice that after 8 years he is still in my life after all.
I feel better each day.
I am fun.
Someone will like me
Someday

4/6/2000

Archies birthday this weekend. Bev and I are going up to his house for a bbq on Saturday. Super Dave and Big Carl are coming too and we can go over and check out my new "maybe" house.
Jane wants me at work on April 19th for expiration but if I have to I will call in sick,or late or desperate, I think I need this house more than Sun Micro pit needs me?
Going to Webbers on Sunday for a bbq.
I got a new account today!
More dough!

4/1/2000

I have focused all my attention on buying a house. It's in Napa for christ sake.
Its cute and its what I can afford but it is a probate sale which means going to court and sealed bids.
Karl and I are trying to be friends but all he wants to do is hang out with Dumb and Dumber.
I find out on April 19th in court if I get the house!
Of course it's April expiration but Linda said don't worry you are going and you will get your house! She is the best.
Im scared.

3/13/2000

Pain, pain and more pain. I feel like I am in a bubble floating through my days, not even knowing how I get through them. When will it stop? If one more fucker says you will get over it, give it time I will scream.
I e mailed Karl, I need him to explain this to me.
He wanted out long ago but didn't have the balls to be the first one to say it.
If he could just tell me I might be able to get pissed and move on.
Work is busy as shit and I feel like I might lose my shit.
It's just coming from every which way.

3/8/2000

I wish I didn't live in this town! I can't even shop at Mollie Stones because it reminds me of Karl everywhere I go.
It's been 12 days since I saw him or talked to him. Why do I keep looking back?
I made so many sacrifices for nothing.
I hate this place,
I think I would hate it no matter where I was.

3/6/2000

I have been trying to keep busy.
Glad to be back at work to keep my mind off of things. My goal is to buy my own house by the time the lease is up on this houseboat.
Got a huge pep talk from Dad, Kathleen and Arch about how I can do it.
Talked to a mortgage broker today about getting pre approved.
I have not talked to Karl in 10 days.

2/27/2000

WORST DAY

Big Boo Hoo
Ok no more Karl baby.
Now I am pissed off, this is not healthy.
I am sick of trying!!
Went to Smittys yesterday with the girls, but very depressed, then went to Joes in Strawberry and met Elaine so we stayed there too long and I was all hung over at work today, like really bad.

2/24/2000

I have never been this messed up in my life.
For some reason work is the only place I feel at home, the rest of my world as I knew it is gone.
The thing is work is really stressy right now, I am working with Joe Ragen and we are in the busiest pit, I am seriously not sure how I am getting through each day.
I go home and just sit on my couch like I am shell shocked.
Thank god for my friends, but I am starting to feel like a basket case and everyone is all worried about me.

2/22/2000

Work was weird today, no one came in so I became a phone clerk. WTF?
Elaine saw Kenny today and he said have you talked to Kellie and she said yes.
He told her that things couldn't be worse for me right now.
I guess my star chart is off its ass like my life.
It's like I want to duck and cover, what next?

2/21/2000 page 2

Did laundry, cleaned, organized and fought with the phone company. Then the girls and Bo showed up and whisked me away to Gloria Ferrer for a beautiful sunny Sonoma afternoon full of champagne and friends. I need the distraction and can't wait to go to work tomorrow. God how pathetic.
Sun is shining.

2/21/200

I am back living on a houseboat, Karl kicked me out after we got in a huge fight over Ruthie always in my face.
On Valentines day the stormiest day ever, I left the Sausalito house and had to go stay with Sharron and Lynnie. I also had to take Rat Dude to be put down, he was 21, big life for a cat. He looked so sad when he went but he knew it was time.
Im in shock and depressed and I can not even function.
Lost my home
Lost my cat
Lost a friend who would have been so pissed to die in that place!!!!
Lost the love of my life.

2/15/200
Today I was coming up the elevator from getting my burrito at El Faro and Dave the guard is in there and all these ambulances and stuff were outside the building so I said whats going on and he said it's Lawson.
So I kept going to the 10th floor and then when I got up there I called down there to see what was going on.
John had a heart attack and died right there in the SGP pit. Fuck yesterday he told me when we were waiting for our carpools that he felt weird.
Kellie came running over to the floor and all you could hear was her screaming.
Im not sure things could get any worse right now.